A chemist walks into a bar and orders H20. He gets his water and drinks it.
His chemist friend says, “I’ll have H2O too.” He drinks it and dies.
.
Note to my non-chemist friends: H2O2 is Hydrogen Peroxide
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that is funny i like
I cleaned out the attic with my friend yesterday.
Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of his hair.
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I bought my blind sister a cheese grater for her birthday.
She later told me it was the most violent book she had ever read.
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A clown held the door for me today.
That was a nice jester.
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What’s more impressive than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
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AN OLD LADY WITH A CANE WAS WALKING PAST A YOUNG MAN AT A BUS STOP SINGING
“21 TODAY, 21 TODAY”
THE YOUNG MAN SAYS " YOU ARE NOT 21, YOU OLD COW"
SHE TURNS TO HIM WITH A MIGHTY SWING AND CRACKS HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH HER CANE AND WALKS AWAY SINGING
“22 TODAY, 22 TODAY”
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My wife said, “Look at the neighbor. He kisses his wife every day before he goes to work. Why can’t you do that?” I responded, “I can’t, I don’t even know her!”
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A guy took his new sailboat out for the first time and got caught in a storm. As the waves tossed the boat around, he fumbled for the radio.
“Hello? Coast Guard? I’m in my new sailboat and I’m caught in a storm!” he shouted.
“This is the Coast Guard,” they answered, “what is your current position?”
The guy thought about it for a second, then said, “Curled up on the deck and crying, why?”
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Honey, asked a wife. What would you do if I died?
Why Dear, I would be extremely upset, Why do you ask such a question?
Would you re marry?
No, of course not Dear, said the husband.
Don’t you like being married asked the wife?
Of course I do Dear.
Then why wouldn’t you re marry?
All right said the husband, I’d re marry.
You would, said the wife looking hurt.
Yes said the husband.
Would you sleep with her in our bed asked the wife?
After a long pause, he said, well I suppose I would.
I see, said the wife indignantly, and would you let her wear my old clothes.
I suppose if she wanted to he said.
Really said the wife and would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with her?
Yes, I think that would be the correct thing to do he said.
Is that so, said the wife leaping to her feet.
And I suppose you would let her play with my gold golf clubs too.
Of course not Dear he said.
She is left handed!!
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The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.
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Three people are stranded on a desert island for many years.
One day, they find a magic lamp with a genie inside who will grant them each one wish.
The first person wishes to return home.
The second wishes the same.
The third says, “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”
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A guy once told me he would never learn how to tie a tie.
So I told him: knot gonna happen.
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Little Johnny came home from school to see the family’s pet rooster
dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and he was flat on his back with his legs
sticking up in the air.
When his Dad came home, Johnny mentions to him, Dad, our
rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his
legs like that?
His Dad thinks quickly and says, Son, that’s so God can reach
down from the clouds and lift the rooster up to Heaven.
Gee Dad, that’s great
A few days later when Dad came home, Johnny rushed out to
meet him yelling. Dad, we almost lost Mom today.
What do you mean, asked Dad?
Well, Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to
your bedroom and there was Mom, flat on her back with her
legs up in the air screaming. Jesus, I’m coming, I’m coming.
If it hadn’t been for Uncle George holding her down, We
would have lost her for sure.
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Why did they call it the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
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