Joke of the week

Off Topic
1

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said “Unfortunately, there’s only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, “OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

“Sorry, Dolly,” said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.":laughing::smirk:

51 Likes
2

The wife took up poker

I can’t believe it’s true

She started online yesterday

And I’m not sure what to do.

She’s already cost us money

She’s a hundred dollars down

She says its cause she has no luck

All I do is frown.

She thinks she’s tight/aggressive

I wish that she was passive

Even with a nine and four

I see her raising massive.

With every face card she must raise

She says it’s cause they’re pretty

I just cringe and walk away

And sit and watch her booty.

She doesn’t like the Ace of Spaces

Cause it’s an ugly card

I watched her muck it with a King

And almost hit her… HARD.

She says that it is boring

To be dealt a pocket pair

I watched her folding bullets

And tore out half my hair.

In a hand against “ChillyRooste”

She had him fully beat

But she wouldn’t take advantage

Cause she thought his name was sweet.

If she holds the nuts, she will not bet

She thinks that it’s unfair.

And when re-raised she always calls

Cause she’s got chips to spare.

Now she’s thinking of NO LIMIT

She thinks it might be fun

I’m going through my chest of drawers

I’m looking for my gun.

Downstairs and armed and dangerous

Although it may be mean

I take my aim and fire it twice

And blow away the screen.

GAME OVER!!!

24 Likes
3

Why doesn’t anyone like playing poker in the jungle? Because there are to many CHEETAHS :slight_smile:

14 Likes
4

Author by any chance YOU? It’s terrific–creative–hilarious!

2 Likes
5

There are TWO basic rules for winning in poker:

  1. never tell anyone anything
11 Likes
6

Actually Jan, my husband :sunglasses:

4 Likes
7

He is most clever! Tell him I’m nodding in approval. :slight_smile:

3 Likes
8

What’s a bingo player’s favorite fruit? … Raisin

11 Likes
9

There are 3 types of people: those who can count, and those who can’t.

11 Likes
10

I know 10 facts about you:

Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can’t say the letter ‘m’ without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You’re smiling.
Fact 6: You’re smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn’t notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You’re smiling again.
Fact 10: You like this and you’re going to rate or comment. :slight_smile:

20 Likes
11

I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
“Hi, how are you?”
Me: (embarrassed) “Doin’ fine!”
Stall: “So what are you up to?”
Me: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just sitting here.”
Stall: “Can I come over?”
Me: (attitude) “No, I’m a little busy right now!!”
Stall: "Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

19 Likes
12

A blond girl playing freeroll was taking her time and playing very slow. The timer was started and she still could not take a decision how to play the hand. The player to her left asked her, “What is going on? Why aren’t you playing?” The blond girl replied, “I am playing! I always slow-playing aces!”

(I feel I can share this blatantly blondist joke because I’m a blonde.)

8 Likes
13

If it weren’t for the drug use, degenerate gambling, and drinking, I would be a great catch :joy:

7 Likes
14

The quickest way to double your money is to fold… it in half and put it back in your pocket.

2 Likes
15

What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog? In about 10 years the dog stops whining.

3 Likes
16

What’s the difference between online poker and live poker? You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you :rofl:

4 Likes
17

My neighbor, a mother, looks at her 8-year-old and realizes she bears no resemblance to anyone in their families. Mother sends away for a DNA test, completes it and sends it off. Two weeks later, she gets the results. The child ISN’T related to them at all. Unsure how to proceed, she goes to her husband.
*
“Honey, I have some bad news…”
*
“Eh?”
*
“Sally isn’t related to us. Not at all. What could’ve happened?”
*
“Sweetheart, perhaps you don’t recall, but think back to the day we took you two home. Remember the child had dirtied its diaper just as we walked out the door?”
*
Mother nodded through her tears.
*
“You handed her to me and told me to go change the baby while you waited there, remember?”
*
Mother nodded again, looking perplexed.
*
“I took her up to the nursery and exchanged her for a clean one just like you wanted.”*
*
The last time I saw that couple running down the lane, she was waving a rolling pin and he was about 30 yards ahead and gaining on her.

6 Likes
18

hahaha amazing, all true, great :joy:.

6 Likes
19

Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!”
Nobody stands up
Teacher: “Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!”
Little Johnny stands up
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… i just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”

13 Likes
20

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, “We have reached your destination”. The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said “Thank you”. The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked “What was that for?”. The 3rd guy replied, “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”

9 Likes