I’m had my wedding reception at MacDonald’s…
It was my last ever happy meal…
4 Likes
A snake asked its friend, “Say, are we poisonous?” Its friend said, “Why do you ask?”
The snake replied, “I just bit my tongue.”
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A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch.
“Help! Is there anybody up there?” he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
“I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”
“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.
“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, “Is there anybody else up there?”
4 Likes
My girlfriend and I got into a fight that was so bad, she broke up with me.
So I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back to me?
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Two giant wind turbines are standing in a field.
One turns to the other and asks, “What kind of music do you like?”
The second one says, “Well, I’m a huge metal fan.”
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OMG I almost spit out my drink picturing my poor husband crawling back to me.
1 Like
A young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz:
"Behind my back I’ve something red, round and you can eat it. What is it. she asked? An Apple replied little Raymond
“no” said the teacher it is a tomato, but it shows you were thinking.
Now “I’ve got something round, a greenish colored and you can eat it”.
An apple replied little Mary
No said the teacher it is an onion but it shows you were thinking.
Now can anybody in the class repeat what I just did?
Little Johnny at the back of the class says yes I can, The teacher always has problems with Johnny, but what can he do with
this, so she tells him to say it:
He says " I’ve got something under my desk that is an inch long, white and has a red end.
Johnny you are a dirty little boy said the teacher.
Johnny goes no teacher it is a match, but it shows you were thinking
2 Likes
3 drunk guys entered a taxi.
the taxi driver knew they was drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. then said, we have reached our destination.
the 1 guy gave him money
the 2nd guy said thank you!
the 3rd guy slapped the driver. the driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. but then he asked what was that for?
the 3rd guy replied control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!
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My friend is known for breaking records.
She’s not allowed in music stores anymore.
4 Likes
That’s a good one.
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A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked,
“Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.”
“Wow,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
“I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
6 Likes
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems like she’s doing fine, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.
“It’s pretty nice,” she replies.
“Except they won’t let you fart”
3 Likes
“Did God make you, Grandpa?”
“Yes, God made me” the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me, too?”
“Yes, He did,” the older man replied.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her little mind.
At last she spoke up. “You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job, lately, isn’t he?”
3 Likes
A man walks into a cafe carrying a large chunk of concrete, and says,
“Give me a coffee. And one for the road.”
2 Likes
lol my type of joke … A man walks into a bar … bang it was an iron bar
4 Likes