A man makes a wish that people would give him money whenever they see him.
The wishing well responds,
“You may want to think twice about that wish. Trust me.”
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LOL, me too as I played Snow White in school May Day event.
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What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick.
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I asked my girlfriend if she ever fantasized about me. Her response, “Yeah, that you’re someone else.”
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What did the snail who was riding on the turtle’s back say? Wheeeee!
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What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
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True story: One day my girlfriend and I got into a fight. During the fight I foolishly told her she was fat. Her immediate response was, “I can always lose weight, but you’ll still have a little d**k.” I couldn’t do anything but laugh.
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Did you hear about the restaurant that only caters to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
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another true 1 my new girlfriend at the time invited me to hers for dinner lol when i got there she had forgotten to switch oven on and offered a cheese sandwich so yes please lol when it arrived 2 slices of the thinnest bread ive ever seen with cheese inside not sliced not grated but lumps of it my sandwich could of been used to describe the alps lol
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Why did the meatballs tell the spaghetti to go to sleep?
It was pasta bedtime.
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A new teacher was trying out something from one of her psychology classes that she
learn at the university.’
she says to the children
everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up now.
after a little while Johnny stands up.
the teacher asks him why did you stand up Johnny
do you really think you are stupid.
Johnny replies
no miss, but I hated seeing you standing there by yourself…
have a great day.
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Ahaha, ahaha 
Why are the two melons having a big wedding?
Because, they cantaloupe.
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Every psychic I’ve met is either hopelessly romantic or all doom and gloom.
Why can’t I find a happy medium?
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Ryan Time
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Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch cold.
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What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner’s on me.
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Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don’t peel.
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There was a father mole, a mother mole, and a baby mole that lived in a hole out in the country not far from a farmhouse.
One morning, the father mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I think I smell sausage cooking!”
The mother mole pushed the father mole aside, poked her head outside the hole, and said, “Mmmm, I think I smell pancakes!”
The baby mole tried to push aside the two bigger moles to stick his head outside the hole, but couldn’t, because he was so much smaller. Frustrated, the baby mole said out loud,…
“The only thing I smell is molasses.”
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