A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied:
“Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”
I have this one friend who would say, Here’s your sign. OMG
Husband to wife: I noticed you haven’t played poker lately
wife: I have no one to play with
Husband: what about your friend Rob?
wife: would you play poker with someone who cheats and moves the cards around when you’re not looking?
Husband: No I guess not
wife: Well neither will Rob
Eleven people are hanging on a rope under a helicopter. There are 10 men and one women.
The rope is not strong enough to hold them all, so they decide that one of them has to let go otherwise they are all going to fall to there death.
.They were not able to chose one person until the women gave a speech.
She said that she would volunteer to let go of the rope because as a women, she was used to giving up everything, for her husband, her kids, or for men in general & was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech.
ALL THE MEN STARTED CLAPPING.
A truck driver lives a long and healthy life. After millions of safe driving miles he passes away peacefully in bed.
When he makes it to heaven, St, Peter greets him and says he may now have any rig that he desires. The driver describes the rig he wants and it immediately appears before him.
St. peter tells him to drive to the closest truck stop and wait for his first load into heaven.
The driver makes it to the stop and sees millions of rigs from the 1920s, 30s and 40s and up to the modern day.
He walks into the diner and sees his favorite food available and his favorite tv show. He grabs a plate full of food and sits down to watch the show. He then leans to the driver sitting next to him and asks. Are there any loads for us?
The driver responds and says we are still waiting for the first dispatcher to make it to heaven.
Hahahah… Savage.
Why did the dude keep playing poker even though his wife threatened to divorce him?? Becaus 
e he thought she was bluffing
The fact that there is a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about the traffic in each direction.
A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, “Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.
"The man below says, "You must be in management.
"“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
A helicopter pilot is flying around Seattle when the weather suddenly changes for the worse. Clouds and fog quickly roll in, greatly reducing visibility. The pilot is disoriented and unsure of his location. At the same time, all of his instruments go out, and he gets concerned about how much fuel he has left.
He sees a big building nearby, and tells his passenger to make a sign asking where they are. He hovers as close to the building as he dares, and the passenger displays the sign.
A minute later, one of the people in the building holds up a sign of his own, “You are in a helicopter.”
The pilot immediately flies towards the airport, and lands just before he runs out of fuel.
The passenger is astonished. He asks, “How did you know where we were just from, that sign?”
“Well,” says the pilot, “the sign, though technically correct, contained absolutely no useful information, so I knew that building had to be the one housing Microsoft’s Customer Support.”
Just by watching the video, I know the names of the kids. The first little girl’s name is “Friday,” and the second one is “Monday.”
So that’s what Tik Tok is. Looks like Americas funniest home videos
Robert was playing golf one day and he got lost.
He saw a Lady up ahead of him and went up to her and said,
“Can you help me? I don’t know what hole I am on.”
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I am on 7, you are on 6.
He thanked her and continued to play golf.
Later on he got lost again. He saw the same Lady and went up
to her again feeling a little embarrassed.
“I’m sorry to bother you again but I’m lost again, can you please
tell me what hole I am on?”
She said, you are one hole behind me. I am on 14, so you are on 13.
Again he thanked her and continued to play golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse.
He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him.
She accepted and as they were drinking and talking, he
asked her what she did for a living?
I’m in sales, she said. He said, no kidding, so am I. What do you sell?
She said it was to embarrassing to tell, but after he kept pleading, she said she
would tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised her not to laugh. She said she sold sanitary napkins.
Robert immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, you promised not to laugh.
Robert replied(still with tears in his eyes)
I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help it. I sell toilet paper so I guess I am still one hole behind you.
LOL! Too Funny! 