Q. How Do You Wake Up Lady Gaga?
A. Pa-Pa-Pa Poke Her Face, Pa-Pa Poke Her Face!
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Insider’s joke, True story. British readers might have an advantage here.
My daughter walked into a sporting goods shop in the Netherlands one day. After looking around a bit, she approached the clerk and said, “I have a question…”
The clerk looked at her, smiled and said: “42”.
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Just shows how much processing power has improved. That answer used to take about 7.5 million years to compute 
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The commode was stolen from the local police station. An investigation has been started, but at the moment, police have nothing to go on…
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She was only the stableman’s daughter, but all the horsemen knew’er.
Or
She was just the bootlegger’s daughter; I love her father still.
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How did the guitarist die?
He crashed his pickup into a bridge and broke his neck.
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Credit to the Two Ronnies,
News just in
A building contractor who was jailed last year for supplying millions of pounds worth of defective building materials to the Government, escaped from Wormwood Scrubs today when the front fell off.
We’ll also be discussing the bread shortage, with a woman who has been throwing IOUs to the ducks.
We’ve just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.
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Aw, geez. Here I thought a Maroon was a retired Marine.
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A transport ship carrying a load of yo yos from Mexico to Canada ran into a severe storm off the coast of Point Conception, California. The ship was severely damaged and sank.
Five times.
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A psychologist told me he could cure alcoholism just by putting an idea in the client’s head…that’s a sobering thought…
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Wow - 2 orbits on the rail as a pun-alty for this one
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1 but only if the light bulb is committed to changing.
Q: How many angry feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Shut up, that’s not funny
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How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one know because no one ever seen it being done 
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ha ha
yea i know, men are crazy… oh wait i’m a men, never mind
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A poker playing farmer is asked about his intentions for his newly planted crop, to which he replies “Weed 'em and reap.”
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Johnny calls his boss and says boss I cant come to work today I’m so sick , boss says ok Johnny maybe I will see you tomorrow, Next day Johnny calls his boss again and says boss I cant come to work again today I’m so sick 
The boss says Johnny why don’t you do what I do? When I’m not feeling good I run home make love to my wife and it makes me feel so much better , Johnny says ok thanks boss I will try that, The next day Johnny shows up for work , his boss says good to see you Johnny are you feeling better today? Johnny says oh yes boss much better thank you so much and by the way you have a beautiful house
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says my wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
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