Overheard just before the fight started: “Gee, Honey, I know I’m late, but I can explain. I was innocently walking past the card room when I overheard some aggressive optimists talking. I put in my two cents worth, and before I knew it, a poker game broke out.”
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A few years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. All have passed, so now we have no Jobs, no Cash, and no Hope.
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A regular Friday night poker game, at Roger’s house, was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from bathroom with an urgent report. “Hey Roger” he told the host, “Walter’s in the kitchen making love to your wife!”. “OK, that’s it, guys,” Roger said. “This is positively the last hand.”
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My girlfriend challenged me to take three Viagra at one time. I thought three pills, a glass of water, how hard could it be?
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Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
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i suppose that’s especcialy true when it involves making aces dissapear 
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A mother decides to take her 16 year old son to a sex therapist,as she is concerned that his penis is still only the size of a 3 year old.
During consultation,the therapist suggests the teenager eat large amounts of buttered toast,as this should increase his penis size.
The next morning,the boy sits down at the breakfast table and reaches up to a large mound of toast.The mother reaches over and slaps the boy on the hand saying,‘Leave your father’s breakfast alone!!’
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From a passenger cruise ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. “Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain. The cruise ship captain replied, “I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts.”
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
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My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where she is!
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An American, an Englishman and a Frenchman were having a few drinks, discussing the meaning of the French expression “savoir faire”. The American said: I’ll give you an example. You come home one night and find your wife in bed with another man. You say nothing, close the door and pour yourself a drink and wait until he’s finished… That’s “savoir faire”.
The Englishman raised an eyebrow slightly. i think you left something out, old man. You come home and find your wife in bed with another man. You say, “please finish”, close the door and pour yourself a drink and wait until he’s finished. That;s “savoir faire”.
Non, non, the Frenchman said. You come home, find your wife in bed with another man. You say “please finish”, close the door, pour yourself a drink – and IF he can finish, that’s “savoir faire”!
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The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good idea’s.
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Some days I wake up grumpy other days I let her sleep.
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I only do what the voices in wife’s head say to do.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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I offer a salutation for the occasion when leaving a “grumpy”: “Have a great day in-spite of yourself!”
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Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
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I had only been playing poker for about a year when I lost both parents…stupid river…
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Husband and wife are leaving for a social occasion. Wife is kinda scolding and aggravating. "You’re driving too fast!’ “That’s cuz where you’re sitting over there”, He responds. Next thing you know a cop pulls them over. The cop says, just to let you know, you have a burnt out tail light. I’ll let it slide but repair it ASAP. Wife chimes in. “You stupid, stupid man; You almost got a ticket!” Cop sighs. OK, licence and registration. Husband says that he just renewed it but left the papers on the kitchen table. Wife is on him again. "You stupid,stupid man: now you’re get a ticket! Cop says that she’s technically correct, but asks the woman; Are you always this hard on your husband? She says. "No, only when he’s drunk!’
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What do you call a bunch of baked monks flying an airplane?
Stoned Temple Pilots.
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