Joke of the week


#165

On the eve of her 20th wedding anniversary the wife was waiting in the bedroom for her husband. After what seemed like an hour she went looking for him. He was nowhere in the house. She checked the garage and thought she heard a noise coming from the car. Sure enough her husband was in the back seat curled up in the fetal position sobbing uncontrollably.
“What’s the matter Dear” she asked him.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car and told me I could either marry you or go to prison for 20 years?”
"Of course Dear, why?"
Still sobbing the husband replies “I’d be a free man today.” :wink:


#166

The internet bride I ordered was delivered today. She is the Wi-Fi have always dreamt of…


#167

I will copy and paste what one of our other members was kind enough to share with me shortly after i joined. Thanks Turkeyguy

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”


#168

You CAN…lead a horse to water but nothing smells worse than a wet horse!


#169

Corny but I like it. haha


#170

How many Blonde “chic” singers does it take to replace a light bulb? Only one but the world must revolve around her.
How do you know if she’s at the door? She’s late, fumbling with a bunch of different keys and still can’t find the one that is best for an opening.


#171

Do you know the definition of “Perfect Pitch?” It is when you heave a banjo into the center of a dumpster without hitting the sides.


#173

She was only the electricians’ daughter but she never refused.


#174

…shocking…


#175

How do I know he’s cheating!?
'Cause those ain’t the cards I dealt him, that’s how!


#176

I have just read an article in the newspaper which explains how bad chocolate and alcohol are for the human body, I have instantly given up reading…


#177

The man proposed marriage to a poor, humble, lonely whiskey maker. She was but a poor, humble, lonely whiskey maker, but he lover her still.


#178

On a hot summer afternoon a beautiful young woman came across a secluded pool, largely hidden from view by a row of bushes. After checking that nobody was around, she took off all her clothes, but just as she was about to jump in, a man appeared from behind the bushes.

“I’ve been watching you!” he yelled, “This is private farm land, and I’m the owner. Swimming in this pool is strictly prohibited.”

“You could have told me that before I undressed!” she said.

The farmer replied: “Swimming is prohibited; undressing isn’t.”


#179

Person 1: Did you see the drumbalscos on the street?

Person 2: What’s a street?


#180

I went to a restaurant
and this vegetarian said she knew me

I never met herbivore


#181

Whoa! What a groan-er! I’m going to steal this, file off the serial number and tell it myself. Good one.


#182

I nicked it too haha


#183

Q: What’s brown and sticky?

A: A stick


#184

If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?


#185

I joined Gamblers Anonymous. It wasn’t because I had a gambling problem, it’s because they didn’t have a problem with me drinking. They gave we 10 to 1 odds I wouldn’t make it!

My Doctor told me I had better watch my drinking. Now I only drink next to a mirror.

What do you call a Boomarang that doesn’t come back? A stick.

A man calls his roommate from work and tells him, “Buddy pack your bags I just won the lottery.” His buddy asks, “Where are we going?” The man says, “I don’t have any idea where you’re going.”