Joke of the week

[pardon53]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

‘Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!’ a heavily accented voice said. ‘This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland … I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!’

‘Well, Paddy,’ Sarkozy replied, ‘This is indeed important news! How big is your army?’

‘Right now,’ says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, ‘there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!’

Sarkozy paused. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.’

‘Begoora!’ says Paddy. ‘I’ll have to ring you back.’

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. ‘Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!’ ‘And what equipment would that be Paddy?’ Sarkozy asks.

‘Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.’

Sarkozy sighs amused. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.’

‘Saints preserve us!’ says Paddy. ‘I’ll have to get back to you.’

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. ‘Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!’

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!’

‘Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!’ says Paddy, ‘I will have to ring you back.’

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. ‘Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.’

‘Really? I am sorry to hear that,’ says Sarkozy. ‘Why the sudden change of heart?’

‘Well,’ says Paddy, ‘we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

[Daveski]

I tried to write a drinking song, but I didn’t make it past the first 5 bars…

[Tiandra]

A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer:

“Excuse me, how much do you charge?”
The lawyer responds:
“I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.”
“Blimey – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”
“Yes. What’s your third question?”

[FlKayak]

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they’re gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we’re drinking together.”

The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to just say that I’m sorry you’ve lost a brother.”

The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”

[Daveski]

The family that sticks together should bathe more often.

[Tiandra]

My mum said to me … follow your dreams, so I went back to bed.

[yud76]

thats funny

[grapevine]

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. “No”, the doctor said “I did not check his pulse.” " And did you listen for a heartbeat?"asjed the lawyer. “No I did not,” the doctor said. “So,” said the lawyer, “when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead.” The doctor said, “Well, let me put it this way, the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.”

[Daveski]

The Emperor found a cab driver who was strong with the force, and was able to turn him to the dark side. He instructed his new learner that he should continue his work as a cab driver, and never, under any circumstances, submit returns to the Internal Revenue Service. After the man replied “Yes my Master,” the Emperor responded with “Goooood…you shall henceforth be called Taxi Vader…”

[FlKayak]

Six guys were playing poker when Mike loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete the game standing up. Robert looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell Mikes wife?” They draw straws. Ricky gets the short straw. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is. “Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.” Ricky walks over to the Mikes house, knocks on the door, Mikes wife answers, asks what he wants. Ricky says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.” She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!” Ricky says, “I’ll tell him.”

[whoeverit]

World Women's Open Poker joke

haahahah

[JanCee]

“I don’t know where the eggs come from, and I have no idea why I feel a compulsion to hide them.”

[Grateful_ed]

A lady drives to a Dairy Farm to obtain some milk. She tells the farmer “My doctor told me to take a milk bath”.
The farmer asks her “Do you want it pasteurized?”.
She replies “No, up to my knees ought to be enough”.

[FlKayak]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat”. “Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table”. “Hey, why are all these cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course! They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?

[Daveski]

I loathe my job at the aluminum recycling plant crushing cans…soda pressing…

[FlKayak]

A man was driving along the highway when saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the Easter bunny jumped in front of the car and was struck by his car. The basket of eggs and candy, the Bunny was carrying, went flying all over the place. The driver, being a sensitive man, as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the Bunny was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. ‘I feel terrible’, he explained, 'I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. Children will be so disappointed. What should I do? The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the dead, limp Bunny, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the Easter Bunny stopped turned around, waved and hopped down the road. 50 meters further on, he turned again, waved and hopped another 50 meters, again he waved. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can. He ran over to the woman and asked, 'What is in your spray can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: ‘HAIR spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.’

[Aldrich3434]

A MAN Walking on the beach kicks a bottle than picks up the bottle. a genie pops out. the genie says since you found me I will give you one wish for anything you want. the man says I want a ding dong long enough to drag the sand. the genie says no problem and than he says shazam… now the man has 2 inch legs!

[Daveski]

I just discovered that my drinking team has a bowling problem…

[Maya]

[Maya]