Crowded elevators smell differently to midgets
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When you feel you are losing all your chips and don’t know why…
Remember Kim Kardashian plays poker wearing mirrored sunglasses!
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LOL…it took me a minute to get it so hopefully I’ll remember it is NOT a good idea!!! 
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I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage.
I lost my case.
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When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say, “I haven’t decided yet.”
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And keep in mind that a player who is wearing reflective glasses is not revealing any of his or hers cards. 
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Didn’t realize she even had eyes, let alone glasses! 
What’s the difference between Micheal Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is plastic and not safe for kids to play with.
The other is used to carry groceries.
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The nurse came into the exam room and said “Doctor, there’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible. What should I tell him?”.
Doc says “Tell him I can’t see him today.”.
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A broken pencil is pointless
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
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Barack, Ulysses, Stephen Stills, Reagan…
For our new son, fame has begun!
Named after Presidents and a musical star,
Apologies Beattles…his initials are
Barack (in the) U. S. S. R.
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the art of diplomacy is telling someone to go to hell and making them want to go there.
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Do you know the difference between saying “I’m Sorry” and saying “I Apologise” now? well try saying them both at a funeral.
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DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLOND THAT GOT FIRED AT THE M AND M CANDY COMPANY? THEY CAUGHT HER THROWING AWAY ALL THE CANDY THAT HAD WS ON THEM!: smile:
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Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. Bartender asks “Olive or Twist?”
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A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish
Warden: Do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: No sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: Your pet fish? How’s that?
Man: Well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that’s just a crock of lies!!
Man: Here Do you want me to show you?..
Warden: Yes, this I got to see!!
Man: (Releases the fish in the lake)
5 minutes later…
Warden: Well??
Man: What?
Warden: The fish!! Where’s your pet fish??
Man: What fish??
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