Moan…
The only one that survived was a man from burgundy.
A man rushes into the hospital and asks the nurse for an instant cure for hiccups.
Grabbing a cup of water the nurse throws it into the man’s face.
“What did you do that for” screams the man
“Well, you don’t have hiccups now, do you” says the nurse.
“No says the man, but my wife waiting in the car does!”
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hahaha i like it 
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Solicitors should never ask a County Offaly granny a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial in Tullamore recently a small-town prosecuting solicitor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Murphy, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Yes, I do know you, Mr. Burke. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big lad when you haven’t the brains to realise you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit pen pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The solicitor was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Murphy, do you know the defence lawyer?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Cummins since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, snobby, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire country. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defence lawyer nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the Mountjoy prison for ten years each.
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A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: ‘How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?’ He replied: ‘That would be fine with me.’ Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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The judge asks the accused: “Are you the defendant?”
The man answers: “No sir, I am the guy who stole the chicken.”
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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, “I did some homework.” The robot slaps the son.
The son says, “Ok, Ok, I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”
Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”
Son says, “Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn.
Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son.” The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
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I was the best door-to-door security alarms salesmen for many years running.
The trick was to just leave a brochure on the kitchen table if there was nobody home.
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this happen for real while I was playing at Hollywood casino in MS but it was hilarious :
I was seat 5 and the table had 9 - 10 players seat three was a cool kat guy we nick named him farmer Jack because he was wearing a farmer outfit style , the funny joke :
every time we end up raising bids ? he starts to talk about the CC on table and possible winner hand ,
1st time we waved his foul act , 2nd time the dealer she told him to zip it , 3rd time ? I asked the dealer to call the floor , and she yelled : FLOOR ? duct tape please on seat # 3 ,
the pit boss goes to his desk and bends in where we couldn’t see what he was doing , so he comes back with the duct tape roll and stood right behind him ,
farmer jack ( with hilarious look at his bulging eyes on the duct tape ) asked , sorry boss ? but why the duct tape ?
Dominic the pit boss replied : we gonna duct tape your mouth and that is why I am here or ? I have to throw you out for 10 min penalty , pick one .
farmer jack replied : I’ll take the tape ,
we all where laughing our asses off .
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this one is from my culture ( Assyrian - Iraq ) . it is an old school one :
3 drunk Assyrians died and car crash, they go to heaven , the receptionist couldn’t find their names there so she told them to go to hell and find their names there .
the devil receives them and finds their names , and he admits them in , 3 days later the devil phones God and bargains for a deal to to take them for free, god asks : why ?
devil : because every time I lid the fire for torture ? them 3 drunks get wasted and pee on my fire to extinguish it .
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I’m calling Jennifer right now! 
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Good idea Maya, would not mind the cat myself 
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Hmmmmm…
I wish Mrs who would stop this ad. The issue is already sorted…
.
.
.
P.S. The cat is still there.
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Joe Bonamassa Concert.
A friend has two tickets for the Joe Bonamassa Concert at Vina Robles Amphitheatre, Paso Robles, California next Saturday. At the time he purchased the tickets he didn’t realize that would be the day of his wedding, so he can’t go. If anyone is interested and wants to go instead of him, it’s at St Andrews Church and her name is Sarah.
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Daughter. “Mum, what’s it like having the greatest daughter in the world?”
Mum “I don’t know dear, better ask your grandma”
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Bill stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled his driver, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing. Finally his playing partner John asked, “what the hell is taking so long?”
“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bill explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.”
“Good lord!” John exclaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”
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“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”
“Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Four months vacation and five good leads…”
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