The Parody Thread

Help finding the FOLD button

For those who constantly play, but never seem to find the fold button, so they find themselves obliged to call every bet and every raise no matter what cards they hold, here’s a little tip:
The FOLD button is the one on the left, your left. You always manage to find the CALL button which is in the middle, when the one you really need is the FOLD one. You should really try it sometime :slight_smile:

Now if the button doesn’t work for some reason, just do nothing. Wait till the clock runs out and the system will do the folding for you. Just don’t call if you have nothing. Seriously, you don’t have to, it’s not a must, it’s not a rule.

Help on when to use the fold button

Now that you know where the button is, this is when you should use it:
If you have nothing, absolutely nothing, and others are betting and raising, try to fold. Even if in the past a river card saved you when you called, it’s not what you should be doing. Try to fold.
If someone raises preflop or goes all in with probably aces or kings, and you have 3-5o or 7-2o, try the fold button. It’s the right thing to do. Don’t count on miracles, no matter how frequent they are on this site, just fold, it’s the right thing to do.

Now please don’t come arguing with exceptions saying it’s ok not to fold when the stack is low and when the opponent is a bluffer etc… Those are general rules for those who don’t know how or when to fold.

Next time: Help finding the other buttons for those who ONLY fold the whole time :wink:

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Since you can’t win if you fold, isn’t it better to go allin instead?

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Good point :slight_smile:

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no maya, not true.

it’s always the best choice to call an all-in with 35o or 27o, especcialy when someone else (me for example) has AA or KK, it’s considered extremely rude not to call into my shove with your 27o when some people try to get value out of their big pockets. besides, when the board holds 7777 you’ll be very sorry you folded your 27o. this will lead to depression and in case you are an emotional and addictive type, maybe even suicidal thoughts. we wouldn’t want that do we. and if you think you aren’t that kind of person but you are the thinking type, you would probably not even think about the hand you could have got, but instead you would think it’s pretty strange there are five 7’s in the game since there are already 4 on the board. also try folding your AA or KK hands immediately, losing with these hands could also result in depression or anger issues.

so the main line here is try folding all your AA and KK hands from now on, and call or shove your 35o and 27o hands, especcialy when you are playing against me.
i hope this very wise lesson has made everyone a bit smarter, perhaps one day you could be a genius like me, no need to thank me :stuck_out_tongue:

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:joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy:

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Omaha hi/lo advice

If you’ve played hi/lo on Replay enough times, you would know by now, from the way that a good number of people play, that if your hole cards contain an Ace and a Two, you are INVINCIBLE.

The second you see these 2 cards, you should immediately go all in, without even thinking. Preferably preflop, but, in case you hesitate and you don’t do it preflop, all is not lost. You can still go all in at the flop. It doesn’t matter if there are no low cards in the flop, or if there is only one, or even if there is an ace or a two in the flop. Nothing matters. You have A-2. You’re invincible. Just go all in. If someone else bets, raise them. Do not let anyone intimidate you. Nothing can beat you. You have A-2. Just go for it.

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Someone told me that those letter cards are high cards, so yes, if you have one, you need to protect it by going allin.

I played some game today, and the table was like all blue and stuff. They also gave me 4 whole cards. Not half cards like on the flip, which are half cards because you share them, but whole cards that only you can see. (I think)

Anyway, Replay started giving people with junk hands half the pot! Crazy, I know, but it really happened. No, really!

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Very good advice on how to play A-2. In my experience I have not won a hand with A-2, not only A-2, also A-2-3-4-5-6-7-8. Either they all get played on the board, or none appears. What do you think I should do in such situation.

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…switch to Holdem? :wink:

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Friends matter? I only have three (3), no wonder I suck at poker!
P.S. Where do I buy more friends? Is there an app for that?

Yes, FriendsRUs.com. The pricing is flexible depending on what you want. Snarky ones are cheaper in quantity, but loyal ones are priced quite high, often selling only at auction to the highest bidder. Political friends are almost always free, but they’ll turn on you at the sneeze of a federal prosecutor. Hope that helps.

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Wow, some peoples kids. Okay, its simple if you know how puters work, and I do because my brother was Bill Gates speech writer (true story). Anyway the computer can only think alphabetically, ya know like A B C D E F G etc.
So, get it? Okay duh, A K Q J 10 is not alphabetical. The computer sees it as 10 A J K Q which is actually 1001001 in technical terms.
Get it? Anyway, this gives the advantage to the players who are NOT downwind of the dealer, (except on tuesday afternoon before a full moon).
Pretty obvious when you “get it” like I do. Not rigged, just the way computers look at poker.

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My little tip on how to stop losing money on live poker. When the local ■■■■■■■ goes all in against you again… instead of calling, instead of raising, instead of folding.

Proclaim loudly “Check!” as you flip over their cards.

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:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

As everyone with OCD knows, it OUGHT to be CDO!

Once you get the hang of the game of poker, you may start to win some pretty big pots. For example, three months ago I won a pot for 2,000 chips! Needless to say I was giddy. It is important though not to let all that money on the table go to your head. Indeed, a proper gentleman at the table reminded as such, writing “nh” – shorthand for “No Hubris”. Ever since that episode, I endeavour to remain composed at the felt and I often fold winning hands if the pot exceeds 5,000 chips for fear of being labelled “VNH” – “vain, narcissistic and haughty”.

If your aim is to beat a lot of players at showdown then be prepared for this kind of social backlash!

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One of the most important skills in poker is bankroll management and the best strategy is the one invented by Martingale. It works like this. Every time you lose your buyin, buy in for twice as much at a higher stake table and play until you double up or lose it. If you manage to double up that will be enough to cover your losses and give some profit. After that you reset your progress again. So lets say you first lose 250 chips, then 500, then 1000 then 2000, but then you win 4000? That’s 250 chips in your pocket even though you lost more games than you won. This strategy is considered cheating and/or poor sportsmanship so do it on the down low.

I for instance have completed 5 of these for 1250 total and I’m currently working on bringing home a buying of 32000.

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I know a guy :shushing_face:

I think I know a guy who knows your guy. :wink:

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I don’t understand most of the wurdz used in poker. When I hear stuff like whole cards, flip, turn, river, button, and other crazy poker lingo, it just makes me so angry I want to go beat a cat. I know it would take like 5 seconds to search the web for a poker glossary, but I 'm so busy watching reruns of Supermarket Sweep that I can’t be bothered.

Someone needs to make an extensive list just for me. But do it quickly before I lose interest.

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