Joke of the week

Well done, Beth! Glad to see you posting here!

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I taught my dog to play poker hold em but he is easy to beat,
because every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife
moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards
again … back and forth … back and forth … in
and out … in and out.
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, and
trickling down the small of her back, she was
getting near to the end. Her
heart was pounding … her face was flushed … then she
moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream
and shouted . . . . . .

"OK, OK! I can’t park the BLOODY car! You do it,
you SMUG GIT…!

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Women drivers, lol.

When I die, I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like Grandpa did…not screaming and crying like the rest of the people in his car.

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I’m sure you posted this for the caption only, right? Like buying some magazines “for the articles?”

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Hehehe

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This is so old it might be funny again.

A B, C D puppies?

L, M N O puppies.

S M R. C M PN?
(punctuation counts)

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Well, I was about five taps in before I saw it!! lol

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When I was a kid I loved these jokes! Thanks for bringing back a good memory.

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Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection, golf clubs, and that stupid vintage Harley.

Tom got a horrified look on his face.

"She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

He replied, “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Tom replied: “I wasn’t."

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My wife asked me to pass her a tube of lip balm but I mistakenly passed her the super glue instead.
She hasn’t spoken to me for 3 days now

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A guy is driving his brand new Vette down the highway for the first time, and wouldn’t you know it there’s a siren behind him. He looks down at the speedometer and can’t believe how fast he was driving over the speed limit.
The cop walks up to the car, and the driver rolls down the windownand quickly explains how he just picked up his car from the showroom and didn’t realize how fast he was going.
“Nice Vette,” the officer says. Now here’s the deal pal, so listen carefully. It’s now ten to five. My shift finishes in ten minutes, and I really don’t want to be filling out a lot of paperwork when I get back to the station cuz of your speeding. So you’ve got two minutes to come up with the best excuse I ever heard for why I should
not be giving you a ticket right now, and I’ll let you be on your way.
“Thanks Officer, that’s fair. The truth is my wife ran off and left me recently. As a matter of fact for an officer like you, in this city, and as soon as I heard the siren I thought, oh, no, it’s him, the cop who stole my wife, and he’s trying to
give her back to me.”
The officer walked back to his car and drove off laughing all the way to the station.

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…a guy walks into a bar and orders a Corona and two Hurricanes.
Bartender says “That’ll be $20.20…” :confounded:

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