My wife asked me one night, “Dear, am I the only one?”
I answered her truthfully: “Yes, you are the only one. All the other’s were 9s and 10s.”
My husband and I have reached our 40th anniversary. The first 20 years of our blissful marriage, whenever I asked him if this or that woman we saw or knew was beautiful, he always said, “She doesn’t do a thing for me.” I felt so loved. Then, on or about our 20th year together, he started completing the thought: “She could, but she doesn’t.”
very friendly ty
Good one! Laughed out loud. It hit home also because in my old age ruminations from memories, I’ve been thinking about job situations where the old farts really got a kick out of me when I was a greenhorn in certain occupations and they set me up for a laugh at my expense. I, not being as sadistic as those sorts did engage in just a tiny bit of such as I became one of the older crew members over the years in whatever occupation. It’s harder than ever to get a belly-splittin’ laugh over anything these days so I appreciate even the lightest ‘out-loud’ chuckle of any sort. Never mind I know anything about coyotes! Like most peeps, they only seem to arise to their ‘peter principle’ level of their species. I’ve never looked like this guy in the pic but I know that I took my time once walking back from admin trailer to face these old farts (they’re like 40-50) knowing how they had set me up for a laugh. I just re-read what I wrote and looked at that pic of the coyote and lmao! Out-loud!
Posted this a few years back on another thread but I think its ok to bring back out for an encore. If this gets good reviews, I’ll bring out the Texas Chili contest joke::
"A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”
The rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull…
With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs, “Your badge! Show him your BADGE!”
OK, since the last one seemed to be popular, I’ll bring back another one from the same source. I’ll just copy the entire thing, as she sent it to me:
"If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around and it takes up the major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, Il.
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light Truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges ( Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
Chili #1 - Mike’s Maniac Monster Chili…
Judge #1 – A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 – Nice smooth flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 ( Frank) – Holy (*****), what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worse one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili #2 - Austin’s Afterburner Chili…
Judge #1 – Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 – Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 – Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 - Fred’s Famous " Burn Down The Barn" Chili…
Judge #1 – Excellent Firehouse Chili. Great kick.
Judge #2 – A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 – Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I’ve been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back, and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shitfaced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 - Bubba’s Black Magic…
Judge #1 – Black Bean Chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 --Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 – I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac???
Chili # 5 - Lisa’s Legal Lip remover…
Judge #1 – Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 – Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit, the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili #6 - Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety…
Judge #1 – Thin yet bold vegetarian variety. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 – The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 – My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s#%t on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili #7 - Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili…
Judge #1 – A mediocre chili, with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 – Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. ** I should take note that I’m worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 – You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid, unnoticed, out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 - Big Tom’s Toenail Curling Chili…
Judge #1 – The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 – This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge #3 – No report."
Yesterday, my psychiatrist told me I was crazy so I said, “I want a second opinion”.
She said, “OK, you’re ugly, too”.
[Also fat, old, stupid. - Ed.]
How many stonecutters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, those dudes are still using candles.
How many thought police does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the NEVER WAS a light bulb.
How many Vets does it take to change a light bulb?
YOU WOULDN’T KNOW, YOU WEREN’T THERE!!!
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
It doesn’t really matter. All that matters is that the light bulb wants to change.
6 year old: Dad, I’m hungry…please don’t say, “Hi, Hungry, I’m Dad!”.
Dad: Wow, that’s a very long name. Hi, Hungrypleasedontsayhihungryimdad, I’m Dad!
“It’s so hot tonight, I think I will sleep with the window open”
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