Joke of the week

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:rofl:

Now that I like, any for the girls room?

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This is the girls room. :joy:

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That one is so ancient SPG! Here’s a good blonde joke for ya!
So this hot LA blonde is zipping through the California countryside in her Porsche one day when she sees this blonde in a rowboat in a pasture…rowing for all she’s worth. Curious, she pulls over and observes for a second. Then she hollers out to the blonde in the boat, “Ya know, it’s blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name and if I could swim I’d come out there and kick your a…!”

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Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end

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First page of instructions on assembling dressing shelf from IKEA!

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:rofl:

That’s just wrong! loloud

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I was in Walmart using the restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said, “Hi! How are you?” Embarrassed… I said, “I’m alright!!" The voice said, “So what are you up to?” I said, “Ummm… Just trying to handle a little private business over here!” Then I hear, “Can I come over?” Annoyed… I said “Excuse me!!!” Then the voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot in the next stall answering all my questions!"

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Do NOT drink and wrap presents…
Oh, if anybody gets a remote, I’m gonna need that back… :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

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When I was in college I wanted to be a rich hippie. (I realize that may be an oxymoron to some.) I dropped out after a year and became quite a success. Except for the working thingeee. Still, bourgeois hippie is better than no hippie at all.

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not really a joke but its the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while.
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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what exactly is your problem?’

Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’

Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks, he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’

Harry: ‘9…’

Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’

Harry: ‘36.’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘You know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.’

But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, ‘Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.’

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?’

Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs…’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question.

Harry replied: 'Pockets…’ to the Principal’s great relief……

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’

Harry: ‘Pants.’

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’

Harry: ‘Shake hands.’

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……

Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?’

Harry: ‘Firetruck.’

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, " Put the little ■■■■ in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself."

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Not too late, I hope!

New Jokes for a New Decade:

I love when they drop the ball in Times Square …

… It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.


My friend asked me where I see myself in the new year.

How would I know? I don’t have 2020 vision.


My resolution was to read more …

… so I put the subtitles on my TV.


Knock knock. Who’s there? Abby.

Abby who? Abby New Year!


My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full …

… with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.


What is a corn’s favorite holiday?

New Ear’s Day.


Looking at the new year’s calendar …

… we’ll all have 2020 vision.


I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year …

… but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.


The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision …

… I can’t wait to see them all.


At the beginning of this year I made a New Year’s resolution to lose 10 pounds …

… Only 15 more to go!


What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year’s Eve?

He got 12 months!


What did the little champagne bottle call his father?

Pop!


I can’t wait till New Year’s Day 2021.

Then I can say hindsight is really 2020.


Where can you find comedians on New Year’s Eve?

Waiting for the punchline.


Let’s celebrate New Year’s Eve …

… by making many pour decisions!


What is a New Year’s resolution?

Something that goes in one year and out the other.


Every New Year’s Eve, I look forward to a good show at Time’s Square …

… and year after year, they drop the ball.


My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s resolutions.

That way I succeed at something!


I would lose weight for my New Year’s resolution …

… but I hate losing.


2019 went by like a blur.

My New Year’s resolution must have been too low.


What’s a cow’s favorite holiday?

Moo Year’s Day!


An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Year’s Eve.

One was charged and the other was let off.


Why was 6 afraid of 9 on New Year’s Eve?

Because 9, 8, 7 …

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I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey! The sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He Said, “Yes, but not in a row!”

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Wife: “I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear.”

Husband: “Kitchen, bathroom, living room…”

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Good Evening and welcome to the 4 o’clock news I’m your anchor Gai Apparel

Our top story tonight: Noted archaeologist Fred Flintsteen who has been doing excavations in Sweden, has reported discoveries of some miniature musical instruments and minuscule feces.
When asked about his findings and what they might be, Flinsteen replied “A Dab of ABBA Doo”

This just in: Donors are wanted for men who’s buttock were blown off in industrial accidents,
Doctors report “no end in sight”.

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pssst

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When your dog is nosy!

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