“There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who can extrapolate information from missing data.”
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Being new to the country, they had learned most of their English from street talk and slang. For the first time, the missus had gone to the doctor’s office. He asked her to return the next day with a “specimen.” Missus had no idea what a spessman was, but didn’t want the doctor to think she was ignorant. So, she didn’t ask.
Out on the street, she pondered. The doctor couldn’t possibly mean a spaceman, could he? And, if he did, where could she get one? She returned home shaking her head in confusion.
Missus asked her husband, whose English was even poorer than her own, though he knew a lot of technical terms, like hammer, nails, and saw, “What is a spessman, husband? I need to bring one back to the doctor tomorrow morning.”
Husband, who could tell her all sorts of useful things about construction and home repair, had no idea. “Ask the woman upstairs. She thinks she knows everything, anyway.”
Missus shook her head doubtfully. “Well, maybe. But, I don’t like her much.” With that, she walked resolutely out the door and up the stairs.
Shortly, Husband heard some thumping on his ceiling and some loud, but undecipherable shouting. Almost immediately, the missus returned with her hair mussed, her dress torn, and the beginnings of a black eye. The shocked husband exclaimed “What happened, woman?”
Missus choked out: “I went up, knocked on the door, very politely. When she answered, I asked ‘What’s a spessman?’ She said “Pee in a bottle.’ I told her to poop in her hat. That’s when the fight started.”
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Bubble wrap is now considered a topic in current pop culture…
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Thank God for my first wage packet after Christmas at the end of January.
I was so skint, I couldn’t even afford to pay attention!
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My three-year-old son Jack has been exploring the concepts of rhyming and opposites, but doesn’t always understand the difference between the two. With that as context, we had the following conversation this afternoon:
Jack: Bolder is the opposite of molder.
Me: No, bolder is the opposite of meeker.
Jack: Then what’s the opposite of molder?
Me: Mulder is the opposite of Scully.
Jack: You’re doing it wrong.
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A newly wed couple were riding a horse drawn buggy home…
After a few miles the horse stopped in the middle of the road and sat down, The husband got out of the buggy grabbed the horse by the reins looked into the horses eyes and said “That’s One” The horse stood up then continued down the road. A few miles later the horse stopped again in the middle of the road and sat down, The husband again got out of the buggy grabbed the horse by the reins looked into the horses eyes and said “That’s two.” The horse stood up then continued down the road again. A few miles later the horse stopped in the middle of the road and sat down a third time, The man quietly climbed down from the carriage, pulled out a pistol, and shot the horse. His new wife began screaming what the hell was did you do that for? The man pocketed his pistol, looked up at his distraught wife, and muttered “That’s one.”
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I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my husband. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
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Now that’s a good one
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My most precious childhood memory is my back not aching. 
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A young artist exhibits his work for the first time, and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, “Would you like to hear my opinion of your work?”
“Yes,” the artist replies.
“It’s worthless,” the critic says.
“I know,” the artist replies, “but let’s hear it anyway.”
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WIFE: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.
HUSBAND: Why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier.
WIFE: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
HUSBAND: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
Husband is recovering from head injury now.strong text
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Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 preceded episodes 1, 2, and 3 because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was…
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I need to go make A LOT of chips really quickly, so I can use them to improve my game. Alias
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A was walkin’ by the pet shop in stepps the other day and the owner came out and said here mate do ye want to buy this new thing we have an’ it’s a talkin’ centipede.
So a thought aye sure and a bought the thing and took it home. So it was in its cage and a thought am gawny test this out so a shook the cage and said mate doye wanty go for a pint, the thing didn’t answer.
So a waited half an hour and shook it again and a said mate dye wanty go for a pint, and sure nae answer again.
So a waited another half an hour and says to the Mrs right if it doesn’t talk this time am takin’ it back so a shook the cage again and shouted MATE dye wanty go for a pint.
And the thing shouted back aye mate a heard ye the first time sure am just puttin’ ma shoes oan.
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My wife got out of the shower, stood in front of the mirror and complained that she thought her breasts were too small. Instead of telling her as I usually did, that they were fine, I offered her this suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow larger, every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.
My wife grabbed a piece of toilet paper and standing in front of the mirror, rubbed it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asked.
“If you do it every day, over a period of years they will grow larger.” I replied.
“Do you really think that this will work?” she asked.
“It worked for your butt didn’t it?”
The doctor says with patience and hard work, I’ll walk again.
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Just bought the wife a new bag and belt for Valentines Day.
Hoover works a treat now.
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Schrodinger gets pulled over.
The cop walks around the car with a flashlight, then goes to the driver’s window and says, “Sir, do you know there’s a dead cat in that box on your back seat?”
Schrodinger replies, “Well, I do now!”
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What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral?
Nothing.
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In related news, Kermit the frog says time’s fun when you’re having flies.
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My grandfather saw me on my smartphone and told me I was too dependent on technology.
I called him a hypocrite, then unplugged his life support.
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