I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went…
Then it dawned on me.
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I don’t get along with car keys.
They’re always starting something.
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Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, the chicken was somewhere between 6’ to 7’ tall.
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Two fish were in a tank.
One looked over to the other and said, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
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He’d have pretty big fingers!
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What do you call a snowman in spring?
“Puddle.”
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Why did the man quit his job at the donut factory?
He was fed up with the hole business.
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How do you make a dad joke?
It’s easy. The real question is how do you make him stop.
Do you have fire insurance?
No reason, just asking.
My neighbors said they wanted to talk to me about my bad home security habits.
I said, “Sure, my door is always open.”
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One dog tells another, “Did you know 99.9% of dogs can’t do math? Fortunately, I’m part of the 10% who can.”
Would you like to know how to lose 10 ugly pounds?
Chop off your head.
I was so late to the cannibal banquet.
They just gave me the cold shoulder.
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If you get heartburn every time you eat birthday cake, try taking the candles off.