If you cry when you cut an onion, here’s a tip:
Don’t get emotionally attached.
Where do whales go to hear music?
The Orca-stra.
I made up this dumb joke sitting at the table last night, here goes.
What do flat mountains and good poker players have in common?
Nice bluffs 
The Maître d’ says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a restaurant.
What do cowboys pay for marsupials?
A buck a roo.
A woman is watching a movie at the theater when the people in front of her start talking. She taps one on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, but I can’t hear.”
The person scowls and says, “I should hope not. This is a private conversation.”
That’s funny 
What do you do with a sick chemist?
Well, if you can’t Helium, and you can’t Curium, then you might as well Barium.
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees.
They handed me thirteen and said, “The last one is a free bee.”
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
ReMorse code.
A fly says to a human, “Do you have any food?” The human says, “No,” and the fly leaves.
The fly comes back the next day and says, “Do you have any food?” The human says, “No.” The fly comes back the next day and says, “Do you have any food?”
The human says, “I already told you ‘No’ twice! If you come back and ask me again, I’m going to swat you with a newspaper!”
The next day the fly comes back and says, “Do you have a newspaper I could borrow?” The human says, “No.”
The fly says, “Then do you have any food?”
My nephews are gonna love that one.
One for the nephews
What do you call someone who can sew really fast?
Tailor Swift.
Sent it to my brother, but I think they might be too young to get that one.
I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier, He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.