Two fish were in a tank. One looked over to the other and said, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
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Q. You know what a raisin is right?
A. A worried grape.
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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he boasted.
“I’ve got an 18 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”
The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No, what?”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him.”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man.
“Someone else must of shot the bear.”
“That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.
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Hahahahahaha, awesome 
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A Roman walks into a cafe, holds up two fingers and gets 5 coffees 
V
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him!”
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Hahaha
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Excellent can not find the clip i want from this where he fights the knight watch if u can well funny
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A man walked into a bookshop and said to a salesperson,“l’m looking for that new book on
indecisiveness. Do you have it?”
The bookseller said, “I’m not sure.”
The man replied, “That’s the one!”
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Q. What type of markets do dogs avoid?
A: Flea markets!
Q. Why are dogs like phones?
A. Because they have collar ID’s.
Q. What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A. A hush puppy.
Q. What do you call a dog magician?
A. A labracadabrador.
Q. Why did the hot dog wear a sweater?
A. Because it was a chili dog.
Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A: A Bloodhound.
Q: What breed of dog loves to take a bath?
A: A shampoodle.
Q: How does a dog stop a DVR?
A: It presses the “paws” button!
Q: What kind of dog keeps the best time?
A: A watchdog.
Q. How do dogs travel cross country?
A. They take the greyhound.
Q. What do you get when you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A. A collie-flower.
Q. What do dogs eat for breakfast?
A. Pooched eggs!
Q. What do you call a dog who wins a race?
A. A weiner.
Q. What do you get when you cross a hammock and a dog?
A. A rocker spaniel.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Pooch
Pooch who?
Pooch your arms around me baby!
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Hahahha
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hahaha
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire ?
Frostbite 
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One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says," Good morning, Ma’am, what are you doing?"
“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”).
“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. I’ll have to write you up a ticket.”
“For reading a book?” she replies.
“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her again.
“But officer, I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to write you up a ticket and you’ll have to pay a fine.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the Game Warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he immediately departed.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.
Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece!
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A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel… When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250…00 for just an overnight stay - I didn’t even have breakfast!”
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate,’ and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.”
“But I didn’t use them.”
'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.“We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here.”
“But I didn’t go to any of those shows…”
“Well, we have them, and you could have.”
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
“But Madam, this check is for only $50.00”
“That’s correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me.”
“But I didn’t!”
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
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