Joke of the week

OK, since the last one seemed to be popular, I’ll bring back another one from the same source. I’ll just copy the entire thing, as she sent it to me:

"If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around and it takes up the major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, Il.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light Truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges ( Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


Chili #1 - Mike’s Maniac Monster Chili…


Judge #1 – A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2 – Nice smooth flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 ( Frank) – Holy (*****), what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worse one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili #2 - Austin’s Afterburner Chili…


Judge #1 – Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 – Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3 – Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 - Fred’s Famous " Burn Down The Barn" Chili…


Judge #1 – Excellent Firehouse Chili. Great kick.

Judge #2 – A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 – Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I’ve been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back, and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shitfaced from all of the beer.


Chili # 4 - Bubba’s Black Magic…


Judge #1 – Black Bean Chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2 --Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3 – I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac???


Chili # 5 - Lisa’s Legal Lip remover…


Judge #1 – Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 – Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit, the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili #6 - Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety…


Judge #1 – Thin yet bold vegetarian variety. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2 – The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3 – My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s#%t on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


Chili #7 - Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili…


Judge #1 – A mediocre chili, with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2 – Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. ** I should take note that I’m worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3 – You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid, unnoticed, out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili #8 - Big Tom’s Toenail Curling Chili…


Judge #1 – The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2 – This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge #3 – No report."

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Yesterday, my psychiatrist told me I was crazy so I said, “I want a second opinion”.
She said, “OK, you’re ugly, too”.
[Also fat, old, stupid. - Ed.]

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How many stonecutters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, those dudes are still using candles.

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How many thought police does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the NEVER WAS a light bulb.

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How many Vets does it take to change a light bulb?
YOU WOULDN’T KNOW, YOU WEREN’T THERE!!!

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

It doesn’t really matter. All that matters is that the light bulb wants to change.

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6 year old: Dad, I’m hungry…please don’t say, “Hi, Hungry, I’m Dad!”.
Dad: Wow, that’s a very long name. Hi, Hungrypleasedontsayhihungryimdad, I’m Dad!

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“It’s so hot tonight, I think I will sleep with the window open”
:call_me_hand: 407 mosquitoes “liked” this post

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What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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My wife told me she had lost 2kg so I patted her on the bum and said “I found it for ya, Love”
So glad I insulated the dog kennel last year…

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This is one of those jokes I try to read aloud to my husband but can’t even pronounce the punch-line because I’m laughing too hard.

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A visiting priest shows up at the golf course and asks to join a regular foursome who is down a player. They happily welcome him and go on to the 1st tee. They decide to give the priest the honors and he hits a beautiful shot straight down the middle of the fairway. The regulars then take their turns and all is going well until the final player slices his tee shot off into the woods. “Damn it!” he swears.

The priest is a bit taken aback but quickly pulls himself together and says nothing. The scene repeats itself a few more times until the priest cannot contain himself any longer and admonishes the man. “If you keep this up, surely the lord will strike you down with lightening.” The man shrugs it off and play resumes as before.

On the final tee, the same golfer once again slices his tee shot off into a lake and yells “Damn it!”. Out of nowhere, clouds gather and thunder rumbles. The priest exclaims “I told you so.” just as a giant bolt of lightening comes down and strikes the priest dead.

In a huge booming voice that could be heard for miles, god yells “DAMN IT!”

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that left a bruise me thinks

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Perfection :smiley:

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