I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, But I turned myself around…
Do you think Forest Gump’s user name is 1forest1?
How come you never see the headlines on a newspaper saying…
Psychic Hits Lottery !!
All you married gentlemen: What’s the difference between your wife and the most dazzling super model?
Nothing, if you know what’s good for you!
A woman awakens on the morning of her fifteenth wedding anniversary to find that her husband isn’t in bed. She calls out his name but there is no answer. He doesn’t seem to be in the room.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs looking for him but he is nowhere to be found.
She thinks he may be in the kitchen making her breakfast so she checks. Nope, even the coffee pot is cold. Then she hears a noise coming from the garage. She opens the door and finds her husband sitting on the floor, sobbing.
“What’s the matter dear?” she asks him.
“Do you remember when we were teenagers and your father found us in bed, and told me that I could either marry you or spend 15 years in prison?”
“Yes” she replied.
" I would have gotten out today, a free man!."
- A doctor says to his patient, “I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only
24 hours to live.” The patient says, “Oh no, what could possibly be worse than that?” “I forgot to tell you yesterday.”
A helicopter pilot ran into low visibility conditions outside of Seattle. When his navigation systems went offline, he knew he was in trouble. He managed to locate a big office building, hovered near one of the windows, and had his passenger make a sign that said, “I’m lost, where am I?”
Those in the office quickly made a sign that said, “You’re in a helicopter.”
The pilot saluted, then made his way directly to the airport, where he landed safely.
His passenger was amazed, and asked, “How did that stupid sign help you find the airport?”
The pilot replied, “As soon as I saw that they provided information that, while correct, was totally useless, I knew we must be at the Microsoft campus!”
A poker player went to his Doctor, after the exam, the Doctor said to him “I have bad news”. “You only have 6 months to live!”
“Oh No!” exclaimed the poker player, “Is there anything I can do?” “I have tournaments already paid for, and an invitation to the main event in 9 months.” And also “I need to leave something to the wife & kids.”
“Well” the Doctor said. “If you get some quality soil and put it in your bath tub, filled it up with water, and use it daily for a mud bath”
The poker player interrupted “This will help me live longer?” he said excitedly
“No” The Doctor replied, “But it will get you used to the dirt.”’
No Offense to Texans, Lawyers, Judges, Grandparents, or anyone else.
Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair…
Okay…now…everybody…together…count backward from pi…
Where on the Starship Enterprise is the restroom?
I would imagine it’s on the poop deck.
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
I asked the man in the shoe shop if I could have a pair of crocodile shoes.
He said certainly sir. What size shoes does your crocodile take?
I asked the man if I could try on the suit on display in the window.
He said I had to use the changing room or I would be arrested.
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a native.
“What is it made of?” she asked.
“Crocodile teeth,” the native replied.
“I suppose,” she said patronizingly, “they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.”
“Oh no,” he objected. “Anybody can open an oyster!!
did you know that I really like only THREE things? I like eating people and not using commas.
What’s the difference between a bowl of chili and a Urologist
One is hot and spicy . . . And the other analyses’ urine
I like to go to the playground all the time and watch the little kids jump up and down and scream, because they don’t know I’m using blanks. It’s good exercise