Guide for Forum Newcomers

To help novices find their way in the Forum, I’ve prepared a short, schematic description of the people with whom they will probably have to interact.
It is an incomplete list, so please let me know of any groups that have been overlooked, as well as which category you think you fall into.

Las Pasionarias – Their role model is the legendary Spanish revolutionary Dolores Ibárruri, called La Pasionaria, with her famous slogan: “No pasarán”, they shall not pass!
Their posts are always passionate, eloquent, imperative, and contain a veiled message: don’t dare to contradict me, for it will cost you more energy than it takes to digest an Italian Christmas meal!
Obviously, Contrarians (see below) can never resist this challenge, and other readers exult: hooray, the fun begins! What follows is more entertaining than a soap opera. Dozens and dozens of posts, back and forth, nothing but “you said this”, “no, I said that”, “yes, you did”, “no, I didn’t”, again and again, until some merciful soul, worried about their health, closes the thread.

The Saints - They are the epitome of patience and fortitude. Nothing can ever shake their stoicism.
Some of the Saints are staff members, whose rigorous training encompassed a hard mental and physical curriculum, modelled after the 1952 Oxford treatise “How to Become Prime Minister”.
Their hardest test: they must respond to a daily cannonade of insults and provocations. A typical exercise: “You incompetent halfwit, how can you hope to be of any use to Replay players?” - “I hope this helps.” “Have you ever played poker before???” - “I hope this helps.” “You are a disgrace to the honourable Replay site!” - “I hope this helps.”
If after the 150th harassment, a candidate bursts out: “Oh shut up and go to hell, you moron”, they don’t pass the exam and are considered unfit to become a Forum Saint.
Some rumours say that Forum Saints are the top consumers of sedatives in the world.

The Graphomaniacs – Many posters have a brilliant literary talent, and some are even worthy of Marcel Proust and his “Remembrance of Things Past”. Like the French novelist, who could write 7 endless volumes inspired only by the flavour of some “pétites madeleines” (those plump little French cakes), they begin with a single hand of poker and expand it into an entire novel for the pleasure and the education of every Forum reader.
As with all authors, they have their faithful reviewers and critics who analyse with fervour every single passage of the daily novels. The result: a thrilling technical discourse equally interesting for beginners and experts. According to the latest gossips, apparently even Daniel Negreanu and Phil Hellmuth read them!

The Superchampions and Their Fans - Here follows a typical conversation between these two parties. Forum newcomers might find it very useful for their future career!
Fan: You are an outstanding champion, the best of us all. I would really like to get your perspective about limping and glimping and bimping and dimping with AQ AK AA AT TT QQ in both UTG and BB positions. What do you suggest?
Superchampion: If player is big fish, I go all in, if player is small fish, I go all in, if player is medium fish, I go all in. I study player and crush fish with my fish crusher. Fish fish fish.
Fan: Oh my God! You’re so right. I see what you mean and I agree 100% with your assessment. Thank you for your words of wisdom!

The Contrarians – A professional Contrarian will take on principle the position opposing whatever someone else just expressed. Habitual Devil’s advocates, they have only one goal: to suck posters into a discussion and chew them up until, frustrated and exhausted, they give up.
Since their statements are often illogical and irrelevant, Contrarians can be very entertaining, but only if one doesn’t take them seriously. Therefore, dear Forum newbies, be prepared!
You might rightly ask, “How do I recognize a Contrarian?” I suggest a simple test. Post your opinion about a topic of your choice. It can be anything— what position at a poker table you prefer, or what wine goes better with chicken, etc. If somebody responds with hundreds of words as to why you are totally wrong, at first continue to firmly restate your opinion; then, suddenly, repeat the words of your interlocutor. If they don’t notice and try to demonstrate again how wrong you are, you’ll know: this is a Contrarian!

The Whiners – They break everybody’s heart with the detailed retelling of their heavy misfortunes. Next to them, even Jeremiah and his lamentations sound like a comedy show. Their posts are always shrouded in a halo of tragedy: Oh cruel fate! Why me? I’m doomed, I have no defence, sob! Once again the software singled me out as the loser of the day, sob! I lost millions, sob! I only meet donks at the tables, sob!
Compassionate souls, more frequent among poker players than one might think, can’t witness these agonies without weeping along. After reading their posts, the most sensitive readers start thinking that life is just a valley of tears, unworthy of being lived. Some of them might consider suicide.

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:joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy:

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I have a few that I would like to add. Guess which one you are Miri :slight_smile:

The Psychoanalysts - They dissect their prey’s profile word by word, and make a full analysis of them. They wait for every letter, every sentence, every emoji, every punctuation— to make a list of what they conclude is the absolute truth about that person’s essence. They calculate the bankroll, the time played, the wins and the losses, they analyze the last hands played, and come up with a full portrait that is news even to their victim. They use words like “obviously” and “clearly” and “evidently” to show that their conclusions are indisputable and final. Pity they don’t charge their involuntary patients, because they could make a fortune.

The Likers - They lurk in the shadows, waiting for someone else to post what they don’t dare to say themselves. As soon as their dream post (or the closest thing to it) materializes, they immediately give it a like, and disappear back into the shadows. They don’t want to get in trouble for saying anything that offends their least favorite people, so they just wait for someone else to do it; then they support them with a “thumbs up”, and wait until the next person says what’s on their mind, so they can do it all over again.

The Philosophers - They try not to engage in mundane discussions, or waste their time with shallow conversations. But the temptation is too strong, and their vast knowledge of books and literature cannot be greedily kept just for themselves-- so they interfere, by invoking every book, novel, author and piece of literature, to make their point and give some of their wisdom to those in need. Jeanne d’Arc, Shakespeare, Peau d’âne, Voltaire, Pavarotti, Van Gogh, are only very few of their citations. Alas, they are often misunderstood and their cultural input is met with ignorant backlash, which makes them regret commenting altogether. Nonetheless, they cannot resist the temptation to return.

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I will take you up on the challenge to classify myself, obviously I am a Saint, but substitute Pouilly-Fume for sedatives! Do we have a category for the Honest Poster who will admit to being a Whiner?

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hmmmm. This is a very hard question, Maya, I’ll have to think about it. :slight_smile:

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The honest whiner? LOL

I like to think I’m a Pasionaria, but one can never be too sure :joy:

Come on Miri, take a guess :wink:

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Oh very well. If you mean, I am a philosopher, because I was obliged to read Nietzsche and Schopenhauer, (darn them!) I can agree with you, but I HOPE I have never quoted them.
Although… now that I think of it, I can make a research about all the philosophers who played poker.

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May I add one?
The Researchers Facilitator- These Particular Personality’s have a strong thirst for learning, and must share information with others to cement the material into their own memory closet. They are usually multitasking with numerous of topics, games, books, music, & video’s all while conversing with others. They will normally take the blame for any error or misrepresentation to preserve the integrity of the material over their own feelings. They are generally slow to anger or upset, and prefer to have private debates with only a few others involved. They avoid public bashings, and hearsay, But if they can’t defuse a confrontation with researching, they will hit you with both barrels of humor & wit. If all else fails they might nail you to the wall in public. They are wonderful friends and horrible enemies. There are 2 types of this personality, The inverted, almost robotic type, and the gregarious try to make everyone laugh type.

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Very similar to the graphomaniacs. But good one :slight_smile:

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I wonder how many mirrors you were looking into for this self-portrait! lol <3

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The Realest - The players who skip over most of the Topics knowing they will not find any usefull information …

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The Virtuoso - As in the one who spends a lot of time in long, flowery verse trying to convince others that they are “oh so Virtuous” and virtue-signaling. Also known as “Mother Superiors” for their feelings of moral superiority.

OMG, this was about the funniest thing I’ve read since going through the diversity and inclusivity pamphlets from my last job at a college. “I deserve the promotion because I care more than you.”

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Instead of waiting for useful information, the poor realests could simply ask, and I’m sure there will always be some saints ready to provide it.:slight_smile:

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I SO wish I could be a «virtuosa» at least here, because I have no chance anywhere else! Either in my professional or in my private life, I am infamous for my sharp tongue and my bad character. Have I any hopes ?

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haha, i like this thread :joy::grin:

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If you are truly a woman off ill-temper and bad character, then there are great hopes for you. LOL

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Why thank you! I am so relieved that somebody believes in me!

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@miri123
To further clarify for us newcomers please provide examples of each type of poster.:smiling_imp::smiling_imp:

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Yeah miri, I dare ya! :rofl:

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Dear Santa Claus:

Please define GOOD

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