I’ve decided I need to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m not big enough or strong enough.
I’ve just handed in my too weak notice.
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Reminds me of our current president 
Happy anniversary Jan!
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CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED HERE??
I GAVE YOU ONE JOB TO DO…
HOW HARD CAN IT BE?
JUST HAD TO SHOW THIS ONE TWICE
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My friend drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a life preserver.
It’s what he would have wanted.
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The Lone Ranger and his faithful side kick were camped on the plains near Witchita when a tornado wisked away their tent. Said the Lone Ranger, “Tonto, we’re not in canvas anymore…”
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A Spanish magician told his audience that he would disappear by the count of three.
He went, “Uno, dos…”
And BAM! He disappeared without a tres.
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There was a magician driving down the road and he turned into a driveway.
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If the magician had a donkey nearby, it might’ve been the ass’ fault…
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“If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?” - Stephen Wright
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I decided to go on the whiskey diet.
It’s working: I’ve already lost three days.
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Father O’Toole was getting long in the tooth. No longer able to handle some of the day-to-day needs of the rectory, he hired Mary Sullivan, a dull-witted parishioner who had recently found herself unemployed.
Mary duly reported to work on the first Monday after being hired. Half an hour into her shift, she came looking for Father O’Toole. “Father, Father, the gas is out in your stove, and won’t light! I can’t cook you dinner if your stove doesn’t work.”
“Mary,” Father O’Toole responded, “this is the parish’s stove, not mine. Everything in this house belongs to our parish, not to me alone. Please call a repairman to fix our stove.” She did, and that evening Father O’Toole had a delicious Shepherd’s Pie for dinner.
The next day, Mary again reported to work. An hour went by, and she could be heard to exclaim, “Father, Father, the toilet in your bathroom is clogged!”
Once again, Father O’Toole chastised her, “Mary, this is not my bathroom, nor is it my toilet. Everything in here belongs to the parish. The toilet in our bathroom is clogged. Please, use this plunger to remove the blockage.” Mary got to work, and it wasn’t long before the toilet was flowing again.
On Wednesday, Mary again showed up for work. The bishop of the diocese was having tea with Father O’Toole in their kitchen. Not wanting to disturb their meeting, went upstairs to vacuum and dust.
Ten minutes later, she ran back downstairs, shrieking “Father, Father! There’s a dead mouse under OUR bed!”
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I wonder if he has a pew in his rectory?
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Good work SPG. It’s been said that oft times when you think that you’re hungry, you’re actually only thirsty. Before you eat, drink a pitcher of Margaritas, then see how you feel.
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I qualified for, and participated in, the Suntan Olympics—I got bronze.
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I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
He said, “Are you still holding the ladder?”
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When I die, I want to go peacefully, in my sleep like Grandpa did, not screaming in panic like the passengers in his car. 
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Great pictures, Juicee LMAO
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