Joke of the week


#452

A blonde moves to an old farmhouse in a remote area outside of town. Tired from moving all day she climbs the stairs to her new bedroom and begins to get ready for bed when, suddenly, the room begins to fill with smoke. She runs back down the stairs to see flames leaping from the kitchen. She remains calm and heads into the den, picks up the phone, and dials 9-1-1. When the emergency operator answers, the blonde says, “Hello, I’m calling because my house is on fire!” When the emergency operator asks for the address the blonde replies, “I don’t know the address. I just moved into the house today and it’s a little white house on a dirt road about 5 minutes outside of town.” The emergency operator continues, “Ma’am, we need to get the address so we can send help. If you can’t provide the address, can you at least tell us how to get there?” The blonde replies loudly, “DUH! BIG RED TRUCK!”


#453

I like to sing, and whenever I begin, My husband heads outside.
I was Hurt, and asked him, “Don’t you like my singing?”
“Of course, dear,” he said. “I just want to make sure the neighbors
know I’m not beating you.”


#454

good one Fran :rofl:


#455

There are only 2 kinds of people in this world:

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


#456

image


#457

When you’re DOWN by the SEA
And an EEL bites your KNEE,
That’s a MORAY!


#458

haha…when you think about it, your lyrics actually make more sense than the original lyrics :grin:


#459

A WIFE ALWAYS SAYS WHAT SHE MEANS?!

The wife says: You want. The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need. The wife means: I want.

The wife says: It’s your decision. The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious.

The wife says: Do what you want. The wife means: You’ll pay for this later.

The wife says: We need to talk. The wife means: I need to complain.

The wife says: Sure… go ahead. The wife means: I don’t want you to.

The wife says: I’m not upset. The wife means: Of course I’m upset you moron.

The wife says: You’re… so manly. The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot.

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights. The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient. The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains. The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes. The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there. The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise. The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me? The wife means: I’m going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me? The wife means: I did something today you’re not going to like.

The wife says: I’ll be ready in a minute. The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat? The wife means: Tell me I’m beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate. The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me? The wife means: Too late, your doomed.

The wife says: Yes. The wife means: No.

The wife says: No. The wife means: No.

The wife says: Maybe. The wife means: No.

The wife says: I’m sorry. The wife means: You’ll be sorry.

The wife says: Do you like this recipe? The wife means: You better get used to it.

The wife says: All we’re going to buy is a soap dish. The wife means: I’m coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby? The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him.

The wife says: I’m not yelling! The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!


#460

Are fish eggs considered pre-school?


#461

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. McNick, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!” With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. McNick ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. McNick said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

  1. You have a dirty mind
  2. You didn’t read your homework, and
  3. One day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

#462

Three statisticians are out hunting when a deer pops out of the brush 50 yards away.

The first takes a shot, and hits 5 feet to the right. The second statistician takes a shot, and hits 5 feet to the left.

The third statistician starts jumping up and down, yelling, “We got him! We got him!”


#463

How does a bankruptcy lawyer get paid?


#464

In advance.


#465

Have you ever noticed that a woman’s I’ll be ready in 5 minutes is the same as a man’s I’ll be home in 5 minutes?


#466

Two atoms are walking down the street. The first one says, “I just lost an electron!”

The second one asks, “Are you sure?”

The first says, “Yes, I’m positive!”


#467

There’s no way to be neutral about this one.


#468

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies, ” he responded.

“Oh! Killing any?” she asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 females, ” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell them apart?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”


#469

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.


#470


#471

David’s father has three sons : Snap, Crackle and _____ ? (See answer, upside down, below.)
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(pᴉʌɐp)