I pulled up to get some fuel and noticed two police officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping petrol. I thought, “This Lady isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, and with the cops right there too.”
Anyway, I went inside, paid for the fuel and as I was about to head back out, I heard someone screaming. I looked out the window and the woman’s arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm & running around totally freaking out! I ran outside and witnessed the cops had put her on the ground - putting the fire out with their coffees!! I’m thinking, really? Can this get any weirder?”
They handcuff her & threw her in the police car. I’m still thinking "Well that chick wasn’t too smart, what kind of a person smokes near a petrol pump?
One of the cops started singing the song "This girl is on fire.”
So being the curious person I am, I asked the officers what they were arresting her for… One of the officers looked me square in the eyes & said are you serious she was waving a firearm.
When your wife suggests you go talk to your doctor about those “little pills to help your bedroom performance” do not, under any circumstances, come back with diet pills. My skull fracture is healing but I cant find my favourite frying pan…
LOL, I must be getting even older…the driving dog was the very first thing I noticed 
Oh, Randy–NOT BUYIN’ THAT!!
Well, at least my wife believed me
I don’t know if that’s a good thing!!! lol
what DOG ?
LMAO 
WHO SHOULD BE THE BOSS?
When God created the body,
All organs of the body argued over
Who should be the Boss.
Brain said he controls all parts of the body,
He should be the Boss.
Eyes said the body would be in the dark without them,
They should be the Boss.
Heart said he circulates blood,
He should be the Boss.
Stomach said he digests foods,
He should be the Boss.
Legs said they take the body wherever he wants to,
They should be the Boss.
And when Arsehole applied for the job,
All organs of the body laughed at her.
Arsehole got very angry and closed up.
After a few days,
Brain got rusty,
Eyes got foggy,
Heart got lazy,
Stomach got dirty,
And Legs got wobbly.
In the end, they unanimously accepted it
And Arsehole became the Boss.
This simple explanation proves that,
You don’t have to be brainy to be a Boss,
But being an Arsehole is more than enough.
Schroedinger was pulled up by a traffic cop for speeding. while he was writing the ticket the officer happened to notice a box in the car and looked inside. The officer said do you know you have a dead cat in this box and Shroedinger answered ‘Well I do now!’
Now I remember where I heard that joke…………………
I think my eyesight is going………… I keep running into pubs !
Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar… And doesn’t.
My friend gave me a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious.
I’m not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
The phonetically responsible thing to do with the bicycle would be to re-cycle it.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
A tavern in Munich claims to have a special beer mug. If you drink from this special beer mug, it improves your intelligence. But not any mug, this special one and only this one. The call it the ein stein…
A blonde moves to an old farmhouse in a remote area outside of town. Tired from moving all day she climbs the stairs to her new bedroom and begins to get ready for bed when, suddenly, the room begins to fill with smoke. She runs back down the stairs to see flames leaping from the kitchen. She remains calm and heads into the den, picks up the phone, and dials 9-1-1. When the emergency operator answers, the blonde says, “Hello, I’m calling because my house is on fire!” When the emergency operator asks for the address the blonde replies, “I don’t know the address. I just moved into the house today and it’s a little white house on a dirt road about 5 minutes outside of town.” The emergency operator continues, “Ma’am, we need to get the address so we can send help. If you can’t provide the address, can you at least tell us how to get there?” The blonde replies loudly, “DUH! BIG RED TRUCK!”