Joke of the week


#432

My grandfather saw me on my smartphone and told me I was too dependent on technology.

I called him a hypocrite, then unplugged his life support.


#433

I pulled up to get some fuel and noticed two police officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping petrol. I thought, “This Lady isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, and with the cops right there too.”
Anyway, I went inside, paid for the fuel and as I was about to head back out, I heard someone screaming. I looked out the window and the woman’s arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm & running around totally freaking out! I ran outside and witnessed the cops had put her on the ground - putting the fire out with their coffees!! I’m thinking, really? Can this get any weirder?”
They handcuff her & threw her in the police car. I’m still thinking "Well that chick wasn’t too smart, what kind of a person smokes near a petrol pump?
One of the cops started singing the song "This girl is on fire.”
So being the curious person I am, I asked the officers what they were arresting her for… One of the officers looked me square in the eyes & said are you serious she was waving a firearm.


#434


#435

When your wife suggests you go talk to your doctor about those “little pills to help your bedroom performance” do not, under any circumstances, come back with diet pills. My skull fracture is healing but I cant find my favourite frying pan…


#436

LOL, I must be getting even older…the driving dog was the very first thing I noticed :grin:


#437

Oh, Randy–NOT BUYIN’ THAT!!


#438

Well, at least my wife believed me :grin:


#439

I don’t know if that’s a good thing!!! lol


#440

what DOG ?


#441

LMAO :rofl:


#442

WHO SHOULD BE THE BOSS?

When God created the body,
All organs of the body argued over
Who should be the Boss.
Brain said he controls all parts of the body,
He should be the Boss.
Eyes said the body would be in the dark without them,
They should be the Boss.
Heart said he circulates blood,
He should be the Boss.
Stomach said he digests foods,
He should be the Boss.
Legs said they take the body wherever he wants to,
They should be the Boss.
And when Arsehole applied for the job,
All organs of the body laughed at her.
Arsehole got very angry and closed up.
After a few days,
Brain got rusty,
Eyes got foggy,
Heart got lazy,
Stomach got dirty,
And Legs got wobbly.
In the end, they unanimously accepted it
And Arsehole became the Boss.
This simple explanation proves that,
You don’t have to be brainy to be a Boss,
But being an Arsehole is more than enough.


#443

Schroedinger was pulled up by a traffic cop for speeding. while he was writing the ticket the officer happened to notice a box in the car and looked inside. The officer said do you know you have a dead cat in this box and Shroedinger answered ‘Well I do now!’


#444

Now I remember where I heard that joke…………………


#445

I think my eyesight is going………… I keep running into pubs !


#446

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar… And doesn’t.


#447

image


#448

My friend gave me a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious.

I’m not sure what I should do with the bicycle.


#449

The phonetically responsible thing to do with the bicycle would be to re-cycle it.:wink:


#450

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.


#451

A tavern in Munich claims to have a special beer mug. If you drink from this special beer mug, it improves your intelligence. But not any mug, this special one and only this one. The call it the ein stein…