So I am sitting on a bus the other day behind a woman and her young son. Her son kept turning around and making funny faces at me. After a few minutes, I got tired of his antics …. So I said to him, When I was young my mother told me if I kept making ugly faces like that my face could get stuck that way. He then replied, Well then you cant say she didn’t warn you
Question : How do you turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed?
Answer ; Forget your wife’s birthday!
Some husbands or wives might get banned from the bedroom, because they reminded their espouses of their birthday!
Don’t usually have a lot of jokes to offer, but I got one for y’all that I heard from my uncle:
Question: What’s worse than sleeping with Willie Nelson?
Answer: Finding out it wasn’t Willie Nelson.
I think I’m on to something. A wash soap with poison ivy infusion, for people with an itch to be clean. I tried it, and even though it left a rash of new ideas, I hear it is great for sensitive skin like mine.
Afterthought: I wish I hadn’t invested my life savings in the company. Competitors are coming out with a poison oak soap that could ruin us.
Song for Jan, maybe help sell the soap
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot? Mitosis
There are only 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Heisenberg gets pulled over by the police.
The cop asks, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg replies, “No, but I know where I am.”
(+5 points if you understand)
A man got a text from his neighbor: “I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I’ve been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at all at home but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again”
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his shotgun, and without a word, shot and killed his wife
A couple of seconds later a second text arrived: “Damned auto correct. That’s wifi not wife.”
A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
haha last two are great
“I can’t handle it any more,” I said to the doctor. “It’s been five years since the accident and my wife still won’t have sex with me. She’s cold and indifferent and, no matter what I try, she just says she’s too tired and goes to sleep. What should I do?” “Well,” said the doctor." The first thing you could try is to stop referring to your son as ‘the accident!’
Some theiving swine has stolen my tools from my van and I need to go to work tonight.
Has anyone got a crowbar, a hoodie, ski mask, gloves and a hold-all or back-pack I can borrow?
“Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I’m lying.
“On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
“Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Fran, call out to me from the kitchen.
“‘Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.
“‘You know where the button is,’ I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. ‘Reset it yourself!
“‘But I’m scared!’ she persisted. ‘What if it starts going and sucks me in?
There was a meaningful pause and then, ‘C’mon, it’ll only take you a second.
“So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.”
“Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
“It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn’t the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
“Wild animals are sometimes faced with a ‘fight or flight’ syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the ‘flight’ option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
“When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of ‘been-there, done-that’ paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter……and not succeeding.
“Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
“‘What’s the matter?’ They all asked, ‘Cat got your tongue? If they only knew!’”
I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a very good reason to call in sick!
The problem with political jokes is they often get elected.
A male 23 year old went to his devoted Jewish Father to tell him he was going to become a Christian. The Father was distraught and went immediately to his Rabbi.
“Rabbi, we went to temple, we read the Torah, we did all the rites! What am I to do?”
The Rabbi replies “Funny you should come to me. My own son was given those same advantages and at a similar age came to me telling me that he was going to become a Christian.”
“And what did you do Rabbi?”
“I decided to let the Lord speak to me.”
“And what did he say to you Rabbi?”
“Funny you should come to me.”
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of arsenic. “What do you want it for?” asks the pharmacist.
“I want to kill my husband “ she replies.
“Sorry” says the pharmacist “I can’t do that”
The woman pulls out a photograph of her husband in bed with the pharmacist ‘s wife.
“That’s different” says the pharmacist “you didn’t tell me you had a prescription!”
hahaha that joke made my day