Joke of the week


#369

“Mr Anderson was sitting quietly reading his newspaper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
“Ouch, what was that for?” he asked.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,” she replied.
“You’ve got it all wrong. I went to the races two weeks ago, and Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.
“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan. The man bent over and clutched his head.
The man asked, “What the hell was that for?”
She replied, “Your horse just called.””


#370

Those animal rights folks just don’t get it. There’s room for all God’s creatures…
right next to the mashed taters and gravy! :wink:


#371

Old Italian joke

The son of a mafia boss comes back home after a school test. Father: “How did it go?” - Son: “I knew everything, I said nothing.”


#372

The grandchildren want a puppy for Christmas
.
.
.
Personally, I would prefer turkey but there you go!!


#373

The local barber has just been arrested for selling drugs.
I’ve been a customer for the last seven years and I never knew he could cut hair…


#374

“Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you’re out?” My wife asked.

“Can you not wait until you’ve opened your presents tomorrow?” I replied.

Merry Christmas :clinking_glasses::champagne:


#375

What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?

A meeting with the ethics committee and loss of your research funding.


#376

Ten things that suck in (Replay) poker:

  1. In Omaha, when you draw a top full house someone comes up with a quad.
  2. You get the five minutes break when you are left with only a few chips.

I have to think of the other eight. Somebody may fill in.


#377

1st Caroler sings: “We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year.”
2nd Caroler sings; “We won’t go until we get some…” And, the 1st Caroler interrupts, speaking:
“I know those are the words to that song, but. Somehow, that just doesn’t sound right in a world of #Metoo.”


#378

A poker game in Paradise:
St. Peter: 4 Aces
St. Thomas: 4 Kings
St. John: Royal Flush
St. Paul gets angry and screams: Now stop it! I have enough of your miracles!


#379

An elderly Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test. “Here’s your first question,” the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

“Withouta numbers?” the Italian says, “Datsa easy.” and he proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the boss asks.

“Ave-a you gotta no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,” says the Italian.

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . “Ere-a you go.”

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

“Each-a da trees is a-dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.”

The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this elderly Italian man, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.” He figures no way this guy can pull it off.

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere-a you go. One hundred.”

The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says,
“A little dogg-a come along and a-poop by each-a tree. So now you gotta dirty tree and a turd,
dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat-a make-a one hundred. So, whenna I start???”


#380

I love this, Jan. It reminds me, though.
True story: As a young boy, we had an Italian garbage man named Gianni Valvano. He had immigrated shortly after WWII. Speaking little English, and with little formal schooling, he had what we now call “street smarts.” Gianni saw a need that he could meet, borrowed some money and opened his own rubbish and garbage removal service. By the time we met him in the late 1950s, he had repaid the loan, paid off the trucks and his house about half a mile from ours. Gianni and my Grandfather Pittenger sponsored my dad into the Freemasons. Dad and Gianni would sometimes sit drinking beer on our patio. At 12 or 13, I sometimes overheard them, but mostly ignored the “grown-up talk.” I do recall this one thing Gianni said, though:
“I buy it for one, I sell it for three. I quite happy with my two percent profit.”
Clearly, it didn’t require a lot of education to make money. I suppose I should’ve gone into the garbage business. Who knew?


#381

Yup! Who knew?!! Thanks, Alan. Happy New Year!!


#382

Fichte, Nietzsche, Hegel, and Kant sit down for some No-Limits Texas Hold 'em. What could go wrong?


#383

Customer in a restaurant “ I am a lactose-intolerant vegan, what do you suggest I order?”

Waitress “A taxi.”


#384

It pays to always check your message before you send it. A young husband, while away on a trip, sent the following message to his wife.
“Having a wonderful time, wish you were her”


#385

You get disconnected when you have the nuts.


#386

Apparently Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.
In a statement she said, “The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis!”


#387

Speaking of which, I saw this today and it made me laugh. Especially the very last word :joy:


#388