Joke of the week


#346

A blonde is tired of being seen as stupid, so she dyes her hair black.

The next day, she is driving in the country when her way is blocked by a flock of sheep crossing the road. She thinks sheep are cute, so she says to the shepherd, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?”

The shepherd says, “Sure, why not?”

She says, “247,” and is correct!

She takes one and puts it in her car, but before she can drive off, the shepherd says, “Are you up for another wager?”

She asks what he has in mind, and he says, “If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?”


#348

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all decide to rob a bank together. The alarm is triggered prematurely, so they end up having just enough time to split across the parking lot and into the woods as the cops pull in. Each lady bolts up a separate tree to hide. The cop goes to the first tree where the redhead is hiding, shines the flashlight, and yells, “Hey! Who’s up there?” The redhead replies quickly with a squeaky chirp. “It’s just a squirrel!”, says the cop. At the brunette’s tree the other cop does the same thing. “Who’s up there?!”, he shouts. The brunette replies" Hooo. Hooooo." The cop says, “It’s just an owl!” They’re about to leave when they hear a rustle from the blonde’s tree. They shine the light and yell, “Hey! Who’s up there?!” The blonde has been panicking, but suddenly calms down, feeling relieved that she came up with the perfect escape. “Mmmmooooooooo!”


#350

After reading ALL of these jokes on Thanksgiving, I have a GREAT idea. Y’all should stick to poker!!


#351

A question for the gentlemen. If you had to choose between a wonderful wife and a really nice car, which would you pick? Petrol or Diesel?


#352

I guess it depends on whose wife she was.


#353

Could I choose a wonderful wife with a really nice car?


#354

My wife says she is going to leave me because of my poker addiction.

I think she’s bluffing…


#355

DON’T answer the phone–that’s her calling.


#356

The other version goes like this: The manager was so impressed he said to the kid “you have real talent. I have a manager position opening up in Montreal. You are welcome to have it.” “Montreal!” says the kid. “There are nothing but hockey players in Montreal.” The store manager was taken aback and said “I’ll have you know my wife is from Montreal!!!” To which the kid quickly replies “really? What position did she play?”


#357

Man in pub asks his drinking buddy “Are you involved in any dangerous sports?”

Buddy replies “Well, sometimes I argue with my wife!”


#359

Daydream:
It’s raining outside
You
Me
Fire in the fireplace
Wine
An old movie
Chats
Laughing
Passion
Love

Reality:
It’s raining outside


#360

When I get cold, i just go stand in a corner, because it’s always 90 degrees.


#361

If I have learned anything in my 25 years on earth, it’s that it’s ok to lie about your age


#362

And your planet? :joy:


#363

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, … then 155, … Suddenly he thought, “I’m too old for this nonsense !” So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I’m taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I’ve never heard before, why you were speeding… I’ll let you go.”

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- “Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.” !!!

The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "…


#364

Pastor Rick and a stranger named Artie were standing in front of Rick’s church. Artie was holding a sign that read in big hand written letters THE END IS NEAR! The two men had been chatting for about 15 minutes & getting to know each other, When from down the street came a pickup truck loaded with high school kids that were hollering and whooping it up like kids will do. Artie holds his Sigh up nice and high for the kids to see, But as the kids whizzed past they yelled out rude comments & vulgarities and one youth even made a comment about the female parents of the men standing there. A few blocks down the road as the truck was rounding the bend you could hear the screeching of tires and a loud crashing sound, they even saw a tuft of smoke climb up into the air. Pastor Rick leans over to Artie and says, “I think you might want to change your sign to, THE BRIDGE IS OUT”


#365

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk.
“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. “Grandpa pay the man.”


#366

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband. The following are the instructions at the store entrance that describe how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

A woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

       'That's very nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' And she 
       continues upward. The third floor sign reads: 

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

      'Wow,' she thinks, but somehow feels compelled to keep 
      going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Extremely Good Looking, and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Extremely Good Looking, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is very tempted to stay but still goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

STORY UPDATE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a Wives’ Store in a six story building just across the street. The instructions are the same as the Husbands’ Store.

The First floor has wives that love sex.

The Second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The Third, Fourth, Fifth and Sixth floors have never been visited…


#367

I have 3 dogs
The 1st one I named Happy
on account of he’s the Happiest!
The 2nd one I named Meany
on account of he’s the Meaniest!
And the 3rd one I named Liberace
on account of he’s the Pianist! . . . . pee-an-ist


#368

A group of animal rights protesters broke into a turkey farm last night and escaped with 5,000 turkeys.

A spokesperson for the group said “We will be releasing these turkeys back into the wild just as soon as they have defrosted”