Joke of the week


#325
                              HOW TO CATCH A POLAR BEAR

Step 1) Cut a hole in the ice large enough for the Polar Bear that you are after.
Step 2) Grow or purchase green peas (canned peas can work, Green Giant, Western Family, Spar’s, Birdseye, etc…) but for best results I suggest fresh from the pod green peas…
Step3) Using a ruler place one pea 4 inches away from the edge of the hole that you cut in the ice, then place another pea 4 inches from first pea but also 4 inches away from the edge of the hole in the ice, continue until you have a complete circle of peas all the way around your hole in the ice.
Step 4) Find a place to hide in close proximity to the area you have just worked on, keeping in mind you will want to be upwind of your prey.
Step 5) Wait…, Now this could take a little bit of time depending on how near your hole was dug to the locations of target, for faster results I suggest going north.
Step 6) When Polar bear get closer, you will need to be very quiet including shallow breathing and avoiding letting the bear see your exhaling breath.

Now when a polar bear comes by to take a pea, just kick him in the ice hole!!! Have a good day!


#327

A man goes to enter a pub and is suddenly confronted by a nun standing outside
‘Don’t do it!’ she crys’ ‘Imagine the shame you are bringing on your family with drinking the demon drink that is alcohol!’
He says ‘I dont have any family’
She says ‘Imagine the damage it is doing to your brain!’
He says ‘Look…have you ever actually tried alcohol? I think you are talking a load of rubbish!’
She says ‘No sir I have never had a drop pass my lips, and I am proud of it!’
He says ‘Well would you like to try it and then give me your wild opinions after actually drinking some!?’
She says ‘well I dont know…ok I will try one drink…what do ladies usually drink?’
He says ‘Gin’
She says ‘I will try one gin…but put it in a cup so nobody can see me drinking it!’
The guy goes in the bar and says the barman ‘Give me a pint of beer and a double gin in a cup’
The barman says ‘A double gin in a cup?’
The guy says ‘Yes…’
The barman says ‘Is that bloody nun out there again!?’


#328

A man says to his wife “darling, would you like to go for a nice walk?”
“Yes darling” she replies, “that would be lovely”
“Great!” Bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back!”


#329

I’m not addicted to ReplayPoker, I could easily quit if I weren’t here everyday!


#330

It is wise to plan ahead. Accordingly I’d like to request that all friends and family who may be, however thoughtfully, planning my “intervention”, please wait until after New Years.
Thank you in advance,
-ed


#331

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?” God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of the ambulance!?”

God replied, “My child, I am sorry, I didn’t even recognize you!”


#332

A warning to all you , be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the Police are out there in their numbers checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went onto Whiskey. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car where it was and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a Police control where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I’ve never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
Merry Christmas.


#333

I was at a bar one time with some friends when one of them noticed a cop car parked across from the parking lot. Just before closing time, I staggered out to my car and fumbled around for like 3 minutes trying to get my key in the door. I finally managed to get in and get it started and drove off.

The cop fol;lowed me and eventually put on his lights to pull me over. Meanwhile, my friends all got in their cars and drove off.

I passed the field sobriety test, and he gave me a breathalyzer, which sowed I had not been drinking that night.

The cop was puzzled and asked me how I could have looked so drunk when I hadn’t been drinking.

I just said, “That’s easy, tonight was my turn to be the designated decoy!”


#334

We had a situation at the grocery store yesterday, It seems a man named Arthur was shooting off his mouth about how he doesn’t feel remorse and can do anything to anyone, anytime he wants and can still sleep like a baby. The guy he was telling this to said he didn’t believe him, and for him to prove it. And Arthur wanted to know what he would get to prove it. I guess after negotiating they settled on $1.00, Arthur asked the man what he wanted him to do. The guy dared him to strangle a few people in the store. So I guess Arthur was grabbing people by the throat right inside the grocery store. Then the police came, and the local news, and closed down the store and parking lot for several hours. So when I was reading the paper this morning the headlines read as follows…

“ARTY CHOKES 3 FOR A DOLLAR AT LOCAL GROCERY STORE”


#335

That’s such a groaner, it’s good.
Oddly, a friend and fellow player in one of the old games, Arthur DeGeronimo (now long deceased), owned a grocery store. He came into the game late one evening after having worked an evening shift. He was laughing.
Arthur said: “One of my stockboys came into the back room and told me ‘some jerk out in produce wants to buy HALF a head of lettuce.’ The youngster hadn’t noticed that the customer had followed him into the back room, but must’ve gotten a hint from the horrified look on my face. The boy looked over his shoulder, saw the customer, and continued without even slowing down 'and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.” I told him to make the sale and gave the kid a raise for fast thinking."


#336

Well, I’m at the emergency room. This day has kinda taken a turn for the worse. I got a chance to go horseback riding, something I haven’t done in a while. Big mistake. I got on the horse and started out slowly, but I got cocky. So, we started going a little faster and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. And when I tried to stop the horse, I couldn’t stop him, he must have gotten spooked or something. He was out of control, so I decided to try to jump off the horse, and instead, I fell off, but as I was falling, my foot got caught in the stirrup, so the horse was dragging me. And he wouldn’t stop. Every time I screamed at him to stop, the horse went faster. Thank goodness the manager at Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the machine. But he had the nerve to take the rest of my quarters, so I wouldn’t attempt to ride it again.


#337

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid. While sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

“Oh, so you’re sick!” came the reply. “Not a problem, we’ll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!”

The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and while I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms.

When I finally stammered out, “H…h…how does the hotel have its own doctor on call?”

He simply shook his head and cracked a smile and replied, “Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician.”


#338

The Mexican Maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first eez that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban deed.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I ama better at love than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora, the gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”


#339

(Have to know your Monty Python’s Flying Circus to get this one.)


#340

ahhh, Spanish Inquisition right?


#341

I love my job as an anaesthetist. Just as my patient is about to go under, I call them by the wrong name and tell them not to worry your vasectomy will be over shortly!


#342

very,very funny…love it


#343

that 1 was great…where do u get those?


#344

three words u don"t want to hear when you are having sex::::HONEY…I’M HOME!!!


#345

THREE BLONDES WALKED INTO A BLDG…YOU THINK ONE OF THEM WOULD HAVE SEEN IT?