The Blind Cowboy wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.
He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
A turtle in northbound lane heading north, another turtle in southbound lane heading south, behind southbound turtle is a snail also heading south, the northbound turtle starts to swerve out of his lane and runs into southbound turtle knocking them both off the road, When the police bunny arrives, the bunny asks the snail “what happened?” the snail replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast”
Juicee
Now that I’m retired I have a lot of time on my hands. One of my many interests is chemical engineering and I enjoy converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine.
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.” He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, “Jesus is watching you.” In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesus is watching me” The parrot replied, “Yes.” Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?” The parrot said, “Clarence.” The burglar said, “That’s a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot answered, “The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus.”
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the
Captain announced:
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293,
Non-stop from London Heathrow to New York . The weather ahead is good,
So we should have a uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and…
OH…MY GOD!”
Silence followed… .
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled
“For the luvva Jaysus , you should see the back of mine!"
The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.
What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.
I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.
Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”
The man sighs, “my wife.”
A German Shepherd dog, a Rottweiler and a cat all die and arrive at the gates of heaven. God asks the German Shepherd “what do you believe” and the German Shepherd replies “I believe it is my job to be a faithful companion to my master” Good good says God, “come and sit by my right side”
He then asks the same question to the Rottweiler, who replies “I believe it is my job to guard my master and keep him safe from harm” Good good says God, “come and sit by my left side”
“And you” he says to the cat “What do you believe” The cat replies “I believe you are sitting in my chair”
A man asks a farmer near a field,
“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says,
“Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
