Joke of the week


#275

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.


#276

:joy::joy::joy::joy::joy:

One of the most expensive ways to kill a fly! LOL


#277

then try buying a cannon, a ballista or a trebuchet.
it most likely kills the fly (assuming you can aim) but it’s defenitely a very expensive way. and if you think i’m just referring about the price of buying one, then don’t forget there will be additional costs AFTER using it as well :stuck_out_tongue:
but one advantage, his friends will think twice about getting into your home the next time


#278

I was watching a total bore pontificating about poker and listening to no one else. He was leaning against a Wishing Well. Suddenly he fell in. I was amazed, I did not realise it acted so quickly!


#279

Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a beer.” The chihuahua walker complains, “That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.” The first responds, “Watch me.” The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer. The bartender tells her, “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.” “He’s my seeing eye dog,” the woman replies feigning offense. The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer. The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well. Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar. “He’s my seeing eye dog,” the woman replies. “Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break.” Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”


#280

So… Moses was the first to download from a cloud to his tablets??


#281

A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn’t know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N’-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, “May I have just an order of fries?” The brother said, “Hold on a moment. I’m the fish friar. You want the chip monk.”


#282

In Rome, to describe an annoying whiner we often quote a little joke.
“I’m so hungry…I’m starving…I’m so hungry.” Then they get something to eat but go on: “I was so hungry…I was starving…I was so hungry”.
At the poker tables I am often reminded of it.
“I have such bad cards…I can’t hit anything…I have such bad cards.” Then they start winning, and you think they will finally stop whining, but they go on: “I had such bad cards…I couldn’t hit anything…I had such bad cards.” :smile:


#284

Here’s one my granddaughter told us.
Two years later I still don’t know what the punchline was. :slightly_smiling_face:


#285

I’m so glad you shared that you still don’t know what the punchline was! I’m totally lost but what a doll!


#286

Nerd alert !! check out your math skills:

Why upper management earns so much more:

Rule 1. “Knowledge is Power”

Rule 2. “Time is Money”

From physics: Power = Work/Time.

So, substituting from the Rules: Knowledge = Work/Money, or then: Money = Work/Knowledge.

Thus, Money rapidly approaches infinity when Knowledge goes to

zero, regardless of any Work done.


#287

An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy’s yard. He examines the dog’s collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog’s collar: “Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day.”
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’


#288

How do you tell the sex of an ant??? simple. put it in a bucket of water. If it sinks its a girl………If it floats…BUOYANT.


#289

I bought my daughter an I pad for her birthday.
She will not use it !!!

She says it makes her look like a pirate


#290

Husband sends the following message to his wife:

“Honey I’m in hospital, I was involved in a hit and run accident. Tina brought me in. The blow to my head looked bad but tests show it is not as serious as it first appeared, but I have a broken arm, both legs are fractured and I am afraid they need to amputate my left foot”

Wife sends this message in response:

Who’s Tina?


#291

That would be my first question lol


#292

My brother runs a dairy farm. Recently, he wrote to tell me they had paid $24,500 for a new, young bull. He said at first the new bull wasn’t living up to it’s responsibilities by taking care of the cows. When they called the vet, they were told the bull was rather young and may not have “grown into his new responsibilities” just yet. The vet prescribed some daily pills saying “in a few days, these ought to do the trick.” Sure enough, before the week was out, the young bull had covered all the 44 cows on the farm, AND all the 36 cows on the neighbor’s farm, too. He said they have now cut the bull’s pills back to one every third day. He also wrote that the pills taste like peppermint.


#293

My wife started a new job in an office where there are four other girls, also called Jean. She joined them for their usual Friday night drink after work and they got on so well until she suggested they move onto a club. Jean said the bouncer wouldn’t let them in. Jean asked ‘Why not?’ and Jean said ‘No trainers’


#294

A plane is on its way to Toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that she belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
“I told her, 'First class isn’t going to Toronto.’”


#295

A company owner was asked a question, “How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?”

He smiled & replied, “It’s simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.”