I’ve just been stung by a bee…$30 for a jar of honey
I used to have a problem where I couldn’t finish my sentences. However, I’m all
i guess he likes to have a full house
One dwarf is feeling grumpy…Grumpy would like them to stop
67.5 % of people who use statistics in jokes are lying or have made them up !
In the middle of a beautiful forest there is a pond filled with clear, cool water.
Flying about six inches above the pond is a fly. The fly is thinking “I’m thirsty. If I drop down to the surface of the pond I can get a drink”.
Unknown to the fly a fish is quietly watching it and thinking “That fly looks thirsty. If it drops down to get a drink I can swim up and eat it. That would be a nice snack”.
At the edge of the pond there is a bear. It watching the fish and the fly. It thinks to itself “That fly looks thirsty, and the fish watching it looks hungry. If the fly drops down to the surface of the pond for a drink that fish will come up to eat it. When it does I will run out and grab the fish. That would make a nice meal”.
Across the pond from the bear is a hunter. He notices the bear watching the fish, and the fish watching the fly. He thinks to himself: “If that fly the fish is watching drops down to the pond for a drink the fish is going to come up and catch it. When it does the bear will jump into the water to grab the fish. I will shoot the bear and have me a nice bear steak for lunch”.
On a moss-covered log next to the hunter is a partially eaten sandwich. Behind the hunter, hiding under a leaf, is a mouse. The mouse sees the fly above the pond and the fish watching it. He sees the bear watching the fish, and the hunter watching the bear. The mouse thinks: “If that fly drops to the surface of the pond for a drink the fish is going to swim up to eat it. When it does the bear is going to run out and eat the fish. Then the hunter will shoot the bear. While the hunter is distracted I will run out and grab that sandwich off the log. I will then have a fine meal for my family”.
Hiding behind a bush not too far from the mouse is a cat. The cat is watching the fly, the fish, the bear, the hunter, the sandwich, and the mouse. The cat thinks: “If that fly decides to get that drink the fish is going to go after it. When it does the bear across that lake will jump in and grab the fish. The hunter will shoot the bear, and the mouse is going to run out and grab the sandwich. When it does I’m going run out and snatch the mouse. That will make a good meal for me”.
Well as fate would have it the fly dropped down to the lake for a drink. The fish swam up and ate the fly. The bear jumped into the pond and grabbed the fish. The hunter shot the bear, and the mouse ran out to grab the sandwich off the log. The cat ran out to catch the mouse, hit a slippery spot of moss on the log and missed it. The cat ended up in the pond instead.
All this proves one thing. Anytime a fly drops six inches a p***y will get wet.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
Guy walking down the road naked with a woman on his back, I said " where are you going ? " he replied " to a fancy dress party" I looked puzzled and said " so what are you going as? " he replied " A snail" I said " so why is the woman on your back? " he replied … " oh that’s Michelle" ( me shell ) hehe
“I was at a funeral the other week and I couldn’t get reception on my phone, so asked the woman in front of me what the wifi password was. She said, ‘Don’t be so bloody disrespectful.’ I asked her if it was all lowercase but she didn’t say.”
After a 25 minute police chase, the officer pulled over a car and walked up to the man and said "I was pulling you over for a tail light out, now I need to give you a ticket for all the lights you just ran through," then he said "it is at the end of my shift and I don't want to do all the paperwork so if you give me an excuse I haven't heard before I will let you go." The guy looked at the officer and said "My wife left me for a cop last week and I thought you was bringing her back."
A boy was playing with his train set and from the kitchen his mother hears him say "All you Dam people want on get on and all you Dam people want off get off." So she put him in a time out for 15 minutes. He is back playing train and from the kitchen his mother hears him say "All you Dam people want on get on and all you Dam people want off get off." So she puts him back in time out for 15 minutes. He is back playing train and from the kitchen his mother hears him say "All you nice people want on get on and all you nice people want off get off but hurry up the B*tch in the kitchen has me running 30 minutes late."
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him 'What’s the word on the street? ’
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender “We don’t serve your type!”
That bartender is fontist
And a typist!
Okay, so now you’re Rodney Dangerfield? LOL
Now that is really funny.
A wife is playing bridge at home with her husband and two friends. His bidding is all over the place, not even vaguely consistent. After a hand he excuses himself to go to the bathroom, which is around the corner, but doesn’t close the door so the sound of tinkling is unmistakable. “You know,” said the wife. “That’s the first time all night I’ve known what he has in his hand.”