I’m calling Jennifer right now!
Good idea Maya, would not mind the cat myself
I wish Mrs who would stop this ad. The issue is already sorted…
P.S. The cat is still there.
Joe Bonamassa Concert.
A friend has two tickets for the Joe Bonamassa Concert at Vina Robles Amphitheatre, Paso Robles, California next Saturday. At the time he purchased the tickets he didn’t realize that would be the day of his wedding, so he can’t go. If anyone is interested and wants to go instead of him, it’s at St Andrews Church and her name is Sarah.
Daughter. “Mum, what’s it like having the greatest daughter in the world?”
Mum “I don’t know dear, better ask your grandma”
Bill stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled his driver, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing. Finally his playing partner John asked, “what the hell is taking so long?”
“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bill explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.”
“Good lord!” John exclaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”
“Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Four months vacation and five good leads…”
I’ve just been stung by a bee…$30 for a jar of honey
I used to have a problem where I couldn’t finish my sentences. However, I’m all
i guess he likes to have a full house
One dwarf is feeling grumpy…Grumpy would like them to stop
67.5 % of people who use statistics in jokes are lying or have made them up !
In the middle of a beautiful forest there is a pond filled with clear, cool water.
Flying about six inches above the pond is a fly. The fly is thinking “I’m thirsty. If I drop down to the surface of the pond I can get a drink”.
Unknown to the fly a fish is quietly watching it and thinking “That fly looks thirsty. If it drops down to get a drink I can swim up and eat it. That would be a nice snack”.
At the edge of the pond there is a bear. It watching the fish and the fly. It thinks to itself “That fly looks thirsty, and the fish watching it looks hungry. If the fly drops down to the surface of the pond for a drink that fish will come up to eat it. When it does I will run out and grab the fish. That would make a nice meal”.
Across the pond from the bear is a hunter. He notices the bear watching the fish, and the fish watching the fly. He thinks to himself: “If that fly the fish is watching drops down to the pond for a drink the fish is going to come up and catch it. When it does the bear will jump into the water to grab the fish. I will shoot the bear and have me a nice bear steak for lunch”.
On a moss-covered log next to the hunter is a partially eaten sandwich. Behind the hunter, hiding under a leaf, is a mouse. The mouse sees the fly above the pond and the fish watching it. He sees the bear watching the fish, and the hunter watching the bear. The mouse thinks: “If that fly drops to the surface of the pond for a drink the fish is going to swim up to eat it. When it does the bear is going to run out and eat the fish. Then the hunter will shoot the bear. While the hunter is distracted I will run out and grab that sandwich off the log. I will then have a fine meal for my family”.
Hiding behind a bush not too far from the mouse is a cat. The cat is watching the fly, the fish, the bear, the hunter, the sandwich, and the mouse. The cat thinks: “If that fly decides to get that drink the fish is going to go after it. When it does the bear across that lake will jump in and grab the fish. The hunter will shoot the bear, and the mouse is going to run out and grab the sandwich. When it does I’m going run out and snatch the mouse. That will make a good meal for me”.
Well as fate would have it the fly dropped down to the lake for a drink. The fish swam up and ate the fly. The bear jumped into the pond and grabbed the fish. The hunter shot the bear, and the mouse ran out to grab the sandwich off the log. The cat ran out to catch the mouse, hit a slippery spot of moss on the log and missed it. The cat ended up in the pond instead.
All this proves one thing. Anytime a fly drops six inches a p***y will get wet.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
Guy walking down the road naked with a woman on his back, I said " where are you going ? " he replied " to a fancy dress party" I looked puzzled and said " so what are you going as? " he replied " A snail" I said " so why is the woman on your back? " he replied … " oh that’s Michelle" ( me shell ) hehe
“I was at a funeral the other week and I couldn’t get reception on my phone, so asked the woman in front of me what the wifi password was. She said, ‘Don’t be so bloody disrespectful.’ I asked her if it was all lowercase but she didn’t say.”